Dear Carni Vore– a fictional letter

Dear Carni Vore,
It has come to my attention that your eating habits are notoriously gross. Like, nobody eats meat anymore. Haven’t you heard? Vegetarianism is in style now. I mean, really, who wants to eat all that stringy meat that just an hour or two ago was alive and kicking? The way I see it, we should all eat plants, which don’t kick at all. They just use sunlight! And glucose. You know those minty TicTacs you love so much? Well, that flavor came from a plant!! Can you at least eat LESS meat and MORE plants, just like our brother Omny? He’s still pretty disgusting, but at least he sort of understands me. And then my friend Peskit Arian! He agrees with me completely, except about fish. Talk to both of them. It might be educational for you. Yeah, I know you can recite all body parts with muscle names, but can you tell me what the xylem in a plant does? I didn’t think so. Try vegetarianism! It helps your body work better. Did you know why your face gets so red when I steal your steak knife to chop salad? Yeah, it’s the red meat!

The point of this letter is just to say, you’re supposed to have meat on your bones, but not meat in your mouth! Just consider what I’ve said here. Eat plants, not cows! They don’t try to run away when you cut them up! Take a hint from the Swedish Chef: turtle soup – YouTube.

Your Veggie-Loving “Friend”,
Herbie Vore

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