Dom N. Aitte– a Fictional Letter

Dom N. Aitte:

I noticed the other day that your third attempt at world domination failed. Failed miserably, I must say.

Now, I think world domination is a worthy and great goal for your life. You will go far with the dedicated mindset you have. But you are trying too hard, too soon.

I think that maybe you are setting your goals too high; just for one day, try and dominate only your room. Then move up to a higher level, maybe your house. Then, holding on to that, try dominating your neighborhood. Then start on the town, then on your country, then and only then should you start on world domination again. The world is a big place, Dom, and if you aren’t careful, it won’t like you very much. Though, if you don’t like them either, that makes it even.

I was looking at your latest work (which, again, failed miserably) and noted your desire for destructive firepower. This isn’t actually the best thing for you, I think. A lust for nuclear missiles will only get you incriminated fast. Especially if you insist on using them. I read somewhere that nuclear bombs can have severe repercussions on the health of most mortals, along with large guns, dynamite, and overdoses of Tylenol. Be careful.

And I hope you realize that the common practice for dictators is to build a large capitol city immediately, in the center of your new dominion. Don’t fall into this thinking; it’s better to have a small capitol and peaceful people than to have a large capitol and a rebellion on your hands. And no hands I know can stand a rebellion sitting on them for long.

Consider what I’ve said here, please. I only want to help.

Singed,

A Supporting Mother

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17 Comments

  1. Gwendolyn Copperstone

     /  December 9, 2011

    Loved it! Hilarious!

    Reply
  2. Keri

     /  December 9, 2011

    You noticed that you wrote singed instead of signed, right? And Liam this time I did read it all the way through. 🙂 So don’t hurt me. PLEASE!

    Reply
  3. Too funny. Too funny, Liam.

    Reply
  4. Quite welcome.

    Reply
  5. Haha, this is awesome XD

    From a realistic standpoint, however, your plan of “moving up” has flaws. You can probably get by with taking over your room and your house, but the current government will squish you like a bug if they find that a town or a state is rioting against them. The best course of action, in my not-so-humble opinion, is to secretly build up your ranks and then take over in one fell swoop. They won’t even know what hit them.

    Reply
    • Well, most supporting mothers don’t know nearly as much about world domination as aspiring tyrants do.

      Reply
      • I dunno–my mom lends me suggestions from time to time. After a while, I think they kind of get a knack for it.

      • Yeah, well, this one’s only had one chance. What it doesn’t say is that Dom sold his mother immediately afterward for a bag of popcorn.

      • (Replying to your latest comment)

        Seems legit. But was it pre-buttered? ‘Cause that really makes all the difference, y’know.

      • Dom wouldn’t take anything but pre-buttered for his mother. But, unfortunately for him, the popcorn-seller wasn’t convinced of Dom’s Mom’s value. So she was sold for a bag of non-pre-buttered popcorn. Dom then demanded a refund, but the purveyor had already quit the country and Dom didn’t have a passport.

      • That’s why you demand kettle corn and then negotiate downwards.

        Poor Dom. Just a n00b. Once he takes over the world, he can extract revenge butter out of the popcorn vendor.

      • Indeed, but without maternal guidance… I dunno.

      • Dom and his mom have it rough. I’d be happy to give him a few pointers if you send him over to my place. Tell him that the lever for the lower-level laboratory is found on the third bookshelf to your right, in between my copies of Of Mice and Men and The Giver. And don’t let him touch the crocodiles, piranhas, or sharp-tooth llamas.

      • Okay, I’ll pass along the message, but Dom is pretty busy right now. Like, really busy. I haven’t seen him for days. I think he might be… Yeah, probably there… Oh, well, he’ll get the message eventually. If I remember. Maybe. Oh, hang it all, I’ll just leave him a note.

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