The Phil Conference

[The Phils are holding a conference around a pool table in what looks to be the basement of a one-story doghouse.]

Liam [standing]: This conference will come to order.

[Everyone begins speaking at once.]

Steve: No it won’t!

Feiron: But I didn’t order anything!

Sebase: The Phils have no order!

Liam: Everyone, be quiet! Coming to order just means being quiet so I can speak.

Captain Phume: Oh, well, if that’s all he wants…

Steve: But it isn’t, Phume. I bet Liam’s got this huge dastardly plan to take over the world, starting with the crayon factory down the road!


Percival: He’s right. Good thinking, Gologer. Let’s listen.

Liam: Thank you, Percival; If you keep this up, you’ll become Vice-Phil someday.

Quirk: Hey!

Liam: Obert Skye’s next book is coming out tomorrow, the 24th.

[The old lady shrieks wildly and throws up her hands, tipping her chair backward as she does. Fortunately, the chair is duct-taped to the table, keeping her moderately upright.]

Liam: Indeed, old lady.

Isaac: So are you going to go buy it?

Liam: I believe I told you all ten days ago, in our last conference, that I wasn’t going to buy it.

Isaac: Ah, yes. I remember now.

Feiron: Do you really? I thought you were nothing but a Burboyl.

Isaac: What’s a Burboyl?

Liam: A Burboyl, Isaac, is a creature in Feiron’s world whose head is filled with, literally, nothing but fluff. So being called a Burboyl is an insult.

Isaac: Ah.

Steve: Aren’t you going to do anything about it?

Feiron: Of course not. He lacks the spine.

[Percival and Isaac both take opposite ends of Feiron and stretch him out, making use of his inability to tense himself. It stretches halfway across the room.]

Feiron [with a much larger mouth than before]: OK, you do have a little spine. About as much as a worm.

[They keep stretching him.]

Feiron [yelling]: OK, OK, I like you just as you are!

Percival: Somebody get a bucket.

[Phume runs out and returns with a bucket, which Feiron is dropped into. Some of him slops over the side, but is quickly slurped up.]

Liam: Close that up, will you, Percy?

Percival: Sure.

[Percival uses an entire roll of duct tape to completely encase the bucket in sticky silvery stuff. Feiron’s muffled protests are heard from inside, but no one listens. Isaac looks relieved.]

Isaac: Thank you, Liam and Percival.

Liam: Anyway, Ambush is coming out tomorrow, so I want you all to be ready. Stay away from all bookstores; I don’t want you trampled. Though Steve and Feiron I could mind flattened out a bit. And possibly Quirk.

Quirk: Hey!

[Steve grinds his nonexistent teeth.]

Sam: Will do, Liam.

Liam: Second order of business: I’ve noticed that there aren’t any females on our Phil council. Would anyone like to suggest someone?

The old lady: And I don’t count as a female?

Liam: My apologies, old lady.

The old lady: It’s a good idea anyway. The world needs more female rights!

[Liam shrugs.] Liam: Any suggestions?

Isaac: Phoenix is a good choice.

Sam: Karen is fun. I don’t know her personally, though.

Percival: Glind, maybe.

Sebase: Yeah, Glind would be good! She’s from Wise too, right Phume?

[Phume grunts.]

Steve: Anyone but my wife.

Sam: You don’t have a wife.

Steve: Exactly.

Liam: I was also thinking of either Phoebe, Renée, or Feiron’s sister, but they’re all from the same story as Isaac and Feiron, as is obvious in the case of the last.


Percival: Gologer suggests Sue, his daughter.

Liam: Maybe.

Quirk: We could always make a new LFP.

Liam: Maybe. I think we should go with a ready-made character. I’ll put up a poll with the names of three suggestions, and our readers can decide. Meeting adjourned.

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