*The nonexistent sound of a salute*

By the way, I just saluted you. But that’s of no importance. I am Captain Phume, but you may call me Phume. That’s pronounced like “fume”, but I never fume unless Sebase is talking.

I am an army captain from a country to the south of the two countries visited in Wise. My helmet is shiny, my breastplate rusty, and my caped ripped. I always drive on the “wrong side” of the road, because I’m skilled at that sort of thing. I lost my eyebrows early on in my career– allow me to tell you about it sometime. (Sebase is snickering in the background. He says I tell the story differently every time.) My history is shrouded in mystery, and the smell of burning trousers. (They don’t smell good.) Fortunately for the world, I’m rather courageous, strategically wise, and know my way around the business of most medieval governments. Right now I work as a sort of… how would you say it…? truck driver, driving oxcarts full of who knows what from kingdom to kingdom. I once smuggled a bunch of rotten nectarines past a border patrol. I was quite proud of that.

But I also don’t like writing, or reading, or ‘rithmatic, or any of the other three R’s, so I’ll pass the hypothetical baton to my phellow Phil, the old lady.

Hi there, kids! It’s me, the old lady. I can’t remember my name right now, but I’ll give you a pronunciation of my title anyway: Old sounds like “cold”, but without the ‘k’ sound at the beginning, and lady sounds a little bit like the end of “marmalade”, but with an extra ‘e’ sound at the end and without the “marma-” at the beginning. Oh, how I love marmalade…

I come up in two of Liam’s stories: Isaac’s story, where Isaac is riding speedily by on horseback with Feiron on his shoulder and asks Feiron a question, which I can’t hear very well, so I ask “What?” but he says “Never mind”; and Wise, where I am almost run over by Sebase during a turnip fight, causing my son-in-law, I can’t remember his name either, to curse at him. (He needs to watch his language. I’ve told him that it will be a bad example for the children, but does he listen? Nooooo…) Liam also claimed that I “lived to a ripe old age, ripe both in stench and length.” Not at all flattering, but you’ve got to live with those kinds of things if you want to be a star like me. I think Liam’s also going to put me into an upcoming chapter of Small Minds. He makes sure I have fun.

My favorite thing to wear are flowered dresses with pinafores, when I can remember what the @#$* they are, and when I’m not required to wear something else, like in Wise when I had to wear that ridiculously coarse brown dress. Liam makes sure I have fun, though he isn’t always considerate of my comfort.

And that concludes my post, as well as Phume’s. Tune in next time for Feiron’s post, then one from Quirk, Sam and Steve. Also, Liam wants me to let you all know that he has three spots for guest posts available, one for the 751st commenter, and the others for various contests that will come out soon, so comment away! We’re only approximately 44 comments away!

Oh, and just to clear this up: I do NOT knit!

Leave a comment


  1. I believe we both share the same medication.

    • Really? ‘Cause this is natural for me. You don’t want to see me on medication. It usually ends up a mix of ramblings on Beethoven, along with large similes that prove absolutely nothing. I’m glad you like it, though.

  2. Only 44?! Gee wizz!

  3. Nice post! Hilarious, as usual. Just out of curiosity, would it be considered good or bad if one day I got bored and left a bunch of comments in order to get the number closer to 751? Or 44. Which ever.

    • If you wanted to, you could comment as much as you want. I did that exact thing with La Stranezza on his blog when he was three comments away from his comment prize. I commented three times in a row, won the prize, and then abdicated in favor of Queen Coffee. I’m not sure if you know either of them…

      • I’ve been on their blogs before, and I’ve seen their comments here, but I don’t really “know” them. Wait, La Stranezza is male? I assumed that since he used the feminine “La” prefix, La Stranezza was female. Oops…
        I just realized that the only problem with commenting 700+ times is that I have to come up with things to say. Unless you’ll let me comment in gibberish. And possibly Pig-Latin.

      • Yes, he’s male. I didn’t catch the prefix thing… His name literally means “the oddity”.
        Yes, please do have something to say when you comment. No gibberish, unless it pertains to the matter at hand.

      • Something to say I will have.
        Also, I have a quick self grammar correction: That should be feminine “article”, not prefix. Sorry about that.

  4. Keri

     /  February 11, 2012

    Do you have something against knitting?

    • People automatically assume that old ladies knit. Other than the fact that knitting nowadays has no value whatsoever, no, I don’t have anything against knitting. Do you have anything against commenting when you have things to say?

    • Keri, may I point out the flaws in his response? I don’t want to steal doing so from you, but if you’re not going to, I will.
      Liam, I apologize if it bugs you that I asked her. Take the above as a warning that I will be stubborn in my defense of knitting and other yarn crafts. And sewing, if the subject comes up. If you ask me nicely, I will keep my opinions to myself. Maybe.

      • Okay, first off, if the world were to end, the only people who would have clothes are those who could make them, be it by knitting, crocheting, weaving, sewing, etc. Everyone else would freeze, or succumb to some other form of lack-of-clothing related fatality.

      • Probably most people would die of embarrassment.
        You do realize, however, what knitting actually is? It is not, as you might think, a way of making clothing for yourself– it is actually a way of defending the world against… Well, read this short story of mine: https://insideliamsbrain.wordpress.com/writing-samples/short-stories/the-origins-of-knitting-clubs/
        It just goes to show that I have absolutely nothing against knitting, and that it is a task essential to survival, but I’m just saying that neither the old lady nor I do it.

      • Secondly, the assumption of old ladies knitting is becoming invalid because less people are knitting than they used to (in my experience anyway, I may be wrong). It used to be that if you didn’t make you and your children clothes, you all went without. With the mass production of clothing these days, knitting isn’t necessary, so it isn’t done as much.

      • Okay, that was funny. Knitting to save the world from a monster was a brilliant idea.
        I don’t knit either, but I crochet, and my mom and sister knit. I shall stop talking about knitting now.

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