Tips on Kraken Spotting

Krakens, or sea monsters if you prefer, are notoriously hard to find. In fact, they are often proclaimed to be nothing but the stuff of legend and myth. For a few dedicated people, however, krakens are very real. What was Moby Dick? A whale? Bah! Moby Dick was a sea monster. What really sunk the Titanic? An iceberg? Not a chance! That was a terror of the deep. Monsters such as these are mentioned in most great literature: Journey to the Center of the Earth and Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea contain examples; Moby Dick, as already stated, contains examples; The Chronicles of Narnia name one; legends of all kinds speak of these monsters. Indeed, some explorers are still trying to find the Loch Ness monster, but to no avail. Silly people; they think monsters don’t migrate. For more success than the aforementioned hunters, most of whom never lived to tell the tale, follow the tips below.

  1. Find a body of water. If you think you’ll find a sea monster in the middle of the Sahara desert, you’re messed up. They’re called sea monsters because they live in the sea (or sometimes just murky bodies of water).
  2. Your best chance of seeing a monster is going out onto the water. Sea monsters rarely go sunbathing, you see, and most of them are rather large. Thus they will need deep water. And if you think you can find deep water three feet from where you’re standing, you’re wrong. Probably. So it’s best to go out, preferably on a boat, to find the monster.
  3. Sea monsters come in many shapes and sizes. For some, the perfect sea monster is an extremely long scaly thing like a snake. For others, it may look like a giant whale. For still more, the monster is a seven headed snake that has automatically regenerating heads. Decide which sea monster you’re looking for before you begin looking.
  4. Sea monsters don’t like you to invade their privacy, so do so immediately. What do most people of your acquaintance do when you knock on their door while they’re shaving? They get in your face and tell you to shove off. Most krakens do the same thing. It’ll probably come up and destroy you and your boat, but if you can snap a few pictures and stick the camera in a bottle and send it off to some lucky friend of yours before you die a horrible death at the tentacles of the kraken, you’ll be better off than most.
  5. Bring something along as bait, like really tough beef jerky. And make sure it gets in the kraken’s mouth before it eats you, so it becomes so occupied in chewing the jerky that it doesn’t notice you discreetly taking pictures.
  6. Sea monsters don’t like publicity. Scratch that; they like publicity, but they only like bad publicity. They’ve taken the saying “Bad press is better than no press at all” and made it into “Bad press is better than any press.” Thus you see headlines like “Kraken destroys barge full of rubber ducks” and “Giant squid tries to kill international celebrity Percival Tospockingtonham” quite regularly. Of course, in Percival’s case, he was defended by a group of dragons. Useful things, dragons…
  7. Whatever you do, try not to be eaten. Nothing ruins a good day like being killed in a nasty way. And nothing ruins a good lunch like thinking about being killed in a nasty way, so if you’ve ever been killed by a kraken, please don’t share your stories; we have things in our stomachs that we’d like to keep there.

Follow these tips and try not to die you’ll do fine. Send us pictures! Unless they’re pictures of you getting eaten… Which, if you’re one of our enemies, would be fine too. Anyway, we aren’t responsible for you dying, or being injured in body or in dignity. Now go to it!

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5 Comments

  1. This is soo funny! I tried to pick a favorite tip, but I can’t, they’re all good.

    Reply
    • Thanks! Any suggestions on which fictional animal to do next? It’s gotta have at least some speculation around it.

      Reply
      • You could do fairies/pixies/sprites, phoenixes, Pegasus-es (which apparently has to be capitalized), basilisks, centaurs, gnomes, werewolves, vampires…. though I’m not sure why someone would want to go vampire spotting. You could probably do a Google search to find a list of mythical creatures if none of my suggestions work.

      • The fairies idea would work, including leprechauns and elves. I thought of most of those, but they don’t have the amount of speculation around them that krakens, dragons and unicorns have, unfortunately. Gnomes might work, though. Thanks!

  2. When I was younger, I was thoroughly convinced that there was some manner of denizen lurking in the depths of a lake my family and I used to visit often. Every strange shadow and rippling just had to be evidence of a scaly serpent or tentacled beast. Once we ran over a submerged log in our kayaks and I, in the vernacular of the peasantry, flipped out.(Coincidentally, this was all during my cryptozoology phase.) I would have found this guide most useful back then in proving to my parents the existence of the supposed lake monster–and you never know, I still might find the occasion to reference this. Great, funny post!

    Reply

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