Tips on Fantasy Writer Spotting

Fantasy writers are notoriously hard to find. Fantasy writers, as we all know, like themselves to be secretive and shrouded in mystery, when in reality they’re probably just behind the counter at your local McDonald’s, or dead at the hands of a giant mega-awesome ultra fantasy beast. Thing. So next time you’re searching your phone book for fantasy writers to go mob, just consult these tips.

  1. Capture a few dragons and set them loose over your town. The only person (besides you) that will be standing out in the open, looking up in awe, will be your fantasy writer. Try not to let your dragons burn anything to the ground or eat anyone, because that has the potential for being extremely messy.
  2. Hang around McDonald’s restaurants and look for employees that stare off into the middle distance for most of the day instead of watching that burger they’re burning cooking. That’s the writer. And try to avoid eating the burger, because it won’t be cooked too well.
  3. Drive around the city/town/hermitage you live in after dark, and look for lights in windows that are still on. The best time for this is about two o’clock in the morning, when everyone will be asleep except your writer.
  4. Look for anyone around your neighborhood who doesn’t seem to care what they’re wearing, or better yet, is wearing clothes covered in dragons. It’s possible that the person is just someone who likes looking strange, but chances are good that it’ll be the writer.
  5. Look for anyone who looks behind them repeatedly during the day, as if someone is following them. It might just be someone paranoid, but it’s quite likely that he’s a fantasy writer. If you find someone like this, tail him wearing a large dragon costume, or just large pointy ears and a longbow. That fantasy writer will be your friend before the week is out.
  6. Look for people who contemplate things like, say, ping pong balls as possible intelligent life forms, and people who name inanimate objects.
  7. Search bookstores for people who seem to stay in the same place, day after day, but never buy anything. Chances are the person is a fantasy writer trying to see if his book is popular, and in doing so frightening everyone away.

Follow these tips and you’ll be finding fantasy writers all over the place. Unfortunately, this search also picks up on fantasy readers, but they’re pretty close to what you want. Have fun!

Advertisements
Leave a comment

17 Comments

  1. Hilarious! Number 1 is my fave.

    Reply
  2. Awesome post! All these tips are frighteningly accurate–I couldn’t choose my favorite.

    Reply
  3. Agreed with Allegra Davis 🙂 By the way I’m a new follower!

    Reply
  4. Destiny Skye

     /  February 27, 2012

    I like number 2 and number 6. I always fancied working at McDonald’s. And ping-pong balls ARE intelligent life forms.

    -D. Skye

    Reply
  5. Besides number one, I think those points are all pretty accurate. In fact, I do a few of them. Namely, 2, 4, 5, and somewhat 6 and 7.

    Mind you, I don’t work at McDonald’s, I work in an office. But still.

    Reply
  6. Erin

     /  February 28, 2012

    1, 6, and 7 is me. Totally.

    Reply
    • I know. *looks to see what 1, 6 and 7 are* I understand one and six, but seven? Are you published?

      Reply
      • Erin

         /  February 28, 2012

        Oh, oops. I meant the first part of seven is me. I somehow missed that last sentence. No, I tend to stand staring at a particular book I really want for hours and end up not buying it because…well, I’m only fifteen years old and I don’t have any money.

      • Hey, that sounds like me! I’ll spend hours reading the book’s summary over and over again, without even thinking of sitting down and reading the thing. And I still won’t buy it. Quite strange…

      • Erin

         /  February 28, 2012

        My mom, my sister, and I spent a day at a Barnes & Noble near us (my favorite place in the world) and I ended up spending most of my time staring at The Hunger Games. Now, this was before I had read it, and instead of plopping myself down in a chair to read the book at the store, I just stood there and stared at the cover. I still don’t understand what I was thinking at that time….

      • Exactly. See? Great minds do think alike.

  7. Liam. I love you.

    Reply

Comment! I'll reply.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: