Death Wishes from a Ping Pong Ball

“Percival, please– tell us why you called this conference,” I said, leaning back in my chair. It fell over, startling everyone with the noise. I got up and hurriedly assumed my former position, gesturing to Percival to start.

“I wanted to ask you a few questions.”

“What, have I done something wrong?” I asked with a smile.

“Well, it might seem so to some, but it isn’t serious.”

“Darn it…” Sebase said. “I wish someone would get arrested right about now.”

Percival ignored him. “Firstly, why did you appoint me Vice-Phil, then reinstate Quirk in the next minute? It was insulting, as if you don’t want me as your second-in-command.”

“He doesn’t,” said Quirk. “He likes me better.”

“Actually, I don’t,” I said. “Percival, you are my favorite character–”

Groans echoed around the room.

“–But the reason I can’t make you Vice-Phil is simple. I don’t want to show favoritism to one story or another.”

“But you have no problem with favoritism toward individual characters,” grumbled Feiron.

“Exactly. It’s no secret that I like Percival best, but I must say that his story isn’t always my favorite. And I’d like to keep a more neutral character, one who doesn’t have a story, in the Vice-Phil spot.”

“Thus we have an idiot for a Vice-Phil,” said Steve.

“If that’s how you see it, then yes,” I said.

“But if you were to create another LFP…” suggested Phoenix.

“Yes, I might make that LFP the new Vice-Phil, and he or she would probably do a better job than Quirk, if I made him or her correctly.”

“You’re saying I’m flawed?” asked Quirk with a hurt look on his face.

“Yes, you are,” said Percival. “Liam, please make a new Vice-Phil as soon as you can. And make him a puppet Vice-Phil, one that will follow all my commands.”

“Eh, not going to happen,” I said. “You said that you had more than one question?”

“Yes, I did,” said Percival, collecting his thoughts, which had blown all over the room due to the industrial-strength fans lining the far wall. “It was about the Phil Phorce. Are you going to do that?”

“Hmmm…” I slid down in my chair, looking at the ceiling, where one of Isaac’s shoes had been thrown by Sebase. “That’s still up for debate. I’ll probably try it out and write a couple ‘chapters’, if you will, but I won’t post them until I’m almost absolutely sure it’ll work out well.”

“It’s got me in it!” said Percival. “Of course it’ll work out.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that,” said Quirk, “but since I’m in it, it won’t go too badly.”

“What would be the missions?” asked Phume.

“Well, they would probably span a few ‘chapters’ each,” I said. “I’ll give the Phorce one big objective to achieve, then have mini-adventures along the way–”

“Like in my story,” said Percival.

“Probably. I’ve got a few ideas for the minor obstacles, but I don’t have an idea for the big objective yet. If you have any ideas, I’d be glad to hear them.”

“Have a giant squid from outer space eat the earth, and only the Phil Phorce can get the squid to throw it back up!” suggested Feiron.

“You really want to be crawling around in a squid’s intestine for a few months?” I asked.

“It would involve that? No, I probably wouldn’t want it, then.”

Gologer roared, and my new dragon translator helped me understand him. I had had the translator made into a Bluetooth headset like you see CEO’s and Star Trek officials wearing. He said “We should have extremely strange-looking beasts without any particular smell overrun the earth, and the only way that the earth can be saved is with smelly dragons.”

“What’s with you and smelly dragons?” I asked.

“He is one,” Percival said helpfully.

I let it pass this time. “Any more ideas?”

Everyone shook their heads.

“Well then, Percival, do you have any other questions?” I asked.

“Can I have permission to kill Quirk?”


“Then no, I’m done.”

“Anyone else have questions?”

Quirk raised his hand. “Can I have permission to kill Percival?”

“No. Anyone else have a question?”

Steve gave the impression of raising his hand. “Can I have permission to kill both of them?”

“Meeting adjourned.”

“I’ll take that as a yes, then.”

“Take it as a no, Steve, because that’s all the answer you’re going to get. Goodbye, everyone. See you in the Phil Phorce episode I’m going to write next.” I left to do some writing.

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  1. Hahaha! I like the comment about being in the intestines of a giant squid, and of course, the Star Trek reference. And congrats on topping 90 followers.


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