Phil Phorce: Up is the New Down

I can’t for the life of me think up a topic for today’s post.  That being said, enjoy the second installment of the Phil Phorce.

Quirk and Liam stayed in the warehouse long after the others had left.  Quirk had his eyes closed and was practicing alternately believing in gravity and centrifugal force.  He was tied to the table, so he didn’t go through the ceiling each time, but the sudden stops as he fell up or fell down were punctuated by grunts.  Liam spoke through them.

“You’re going to be leader of this expedition, Quirk.”

“Ughhh,” Quirk said as he hit the table on his way down.

“That’s inherent in the Vice-Phil position,” continued Liam.  “You’ll fly there on Gologer.”

Quirk opened his eyes, hanging straight up.  “Why don’t we just fly there using the centrifugal force?”

“You’d go so fast that you’d either make pudding out of yourself when you hit the cloud, or go straight through it.”

“You look funny up there,” said Quirk, ignoring Liam’s comment.

“Don’t hang like that too long,” warned Liam.  “In ten minutes you’ll lose consciousness, and then you’d die.”

Quirk concentrated and reversed direction, slamming into the table.  “Ouch.”

“You’ll probably land just outside the walls, so you’ll have to spoof a few spy movies as you get in.  Think you can do that?”

“Will Gologer all of a sudden flip upside-down with the centrifugal force?”

“No, I think I’ll just have him fly close to the cloud as he can, then each Phil will make the switch themselves.”

“Each Phil?  Is this all in one trip?”

“Yes, but not all the Phils are going.  I’m staying here—that’s why you’re leader—as well as Isaac because he can’t see.  Feiron will also stay behind, and possibly the old lady, but she’ll make that decision herself.  But yes, it will be a tight squeeze.  If Gologer can enlist any friends to help, that would be great.”  Liam dialed Percival’s number on his cell phone.

“Will Percival be coming?”

“Yes,” said Liam, then held up a hand to stop any more questions.  “Percival.  Can you ask Gologer to get some friends to help with the transportation?”  He waited.  “Oops, wrong number.”  He redialed.  “Percival?” Percival said something.  “Oh, I’m doing well, how about you? … No, I haven’t heard the one about the duck and the highly volatile compound, but I need to ask you a question.” Liam sighed.  “I guess the duck blew up.  But Percival, I need you to—  Oh, so the duck survived.  Good for him.  But I need you to ask you to ask Gologer to get a few of his friends to help transport us to the castle!”  Liam was shouting at the end of the sentence.  “No, I do not want to hear another joke!  Ask if Gologer has anyone who can help.”  Liam hung up.

“What was the joke?” asked Quirk.

“Et tu, Brute?”

“My name is Quirk.  You ought to know, since you gave it to me.  And I don’t understand Latin.”

“Yes, I know,” said Liam, irritated.  “Hopefully we’ll have something like three dragons to carry you all up there.  I’m going to get Percival’s dragon-calling app from him, as well as get a walkie-talkie feature between my dragon translator and his phone.  That way we’ll keep in touch.”

“Why not between your translator and my phone?” whined Quirk.

“Because you don’t have a phone.”

“In real life, neither do you.”

“This is fiction.”

“So give me a phone!”

“No.  Do you know how expensive rates are these days?”

“This is fiction!”

Liam sighed.  “Listen to me.  You’re going to lead the expedition, but I will be in contact with Percival, since he is the only one with a cell phone, except perhaps the old lady.  Now, your mission is to capture the lord of the castle, and bring him back here.  Or just take him to one of Percival’s apartments and interrogate him there.”

“Why Percival’s apartment?  Why not mine?”

“Because you don’t have one.  You live in my head, remember?”

“I hate being an LFP.”

“If you weren’t, Percival would be leading this mission.”

“While we’re on the topic of real estate, where did you get this headquarters?” Quirk gestured at the warehouse.

“We bought it.  A real steal.  Literally.”

“How do you steal a building?”

“We persuaded the owner to sell it to us for a maximum of twenty-five cents.  Then we kicked the previous tenants out.”


“I thought so too.”

“I suppose Percival had a hand in that.”

“Yup, he did it all.”

Quirk roared at the ceiling, a pathetic little growl that didn’t even send an echo.

“See you tomorrow.  You’ll leave then.”  Liam got up and left.

Quirk concentrated, convinced himself that centrifugal force existed, and shot toward the ceiling.  The rope snapped under the sudden tension, and he slammed into the plaster hard, knocking himself unconscious.

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  1. This is so funny! I have to admit, the thought of all the Phils piled on one dragon is either hilarious or terrifying. I can’t wait to see how they spoof spy movies to get in the castle.

    • Eh, they actually didn’t do too much, because Feiron didn’t come along with his Bubblepack. They had limited resources, in other words, so it wasn’t all that spectacular. But I’ll let you judge that for yourself.

      • Oh yes, the lack of a Bubblepack does make things a bit less… there’s a word I’m trying to find, and it’s hiding really well…um…oh, there it is in your comment *facepalm*. The lack of a Bubblepack does make things a bit less spectacular, but it is the Phils afterall, it’s bound to be fun.

      • Well, thanks for your confidence. I’ll do something more special later, I promise.

  2. Robyn Hoode

     /  March 1, 2013

    What’s LFP?

  3. I like Quirk. 🙂


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