Plans for Percival

“Oh, my,” said Percival.  He looked up from the Phil Phorce script in his hands.  “You want me to do this?  This is crazy.”

Liam leans back in his chair.  “I thought you would like it.  It’s the next part of the Phil Phorce, so we’ve got to give you some adventures.”

Percival slapped the papers down on the table and cradled his chin in his hand.  “I expected something like this, but do I have to… you know?”

Liam pursed his lips and looked up at the ceiling.  “Probably not,” he said at last.  “After all, you are you, and you’re immortal at the moment.”

“I know, but it gets me that you would suppose I made a mistake, then die for it!”

“But you don’t!”

“I know, and that’s what’s getting me.”

“I didn’t think you’d care about dying if you’re immortal.”

“No, it’s the making a mistake part that’s irksome right now.”

“You aren’t perfect, Percival.  I didn’t make you that way,” said Liam impatiently.  “Will you do this or will I have to go back and edit the last episode so that it’s Quirk who goes back?”

“No, it doesn’t need to be that drastic,” said Percival quickly.  “I mean, I’m obviously the right choice for this– but could you rethink the death scene?”

“But that’s just it, Percival: you don’t die!”

“How do I know that?”

Liam slapped his head.  “You just read the script!  You know everything that’ll happen to you!”

“That reminds me– I don’t really want to be in league with that other guy, the–”  Percival broke off and pantomimed a large stomach.

“Why not?” asked Liam.  “He’s fun.”

“He’s loony,” said Percival.

“That’s what makes him fun.”

“Am I loony too?  Is that what makes me fun?”

“Partially, yes.”

“‘Partially’,” Percival echoed.  “He says I’m partially loony.  Thank you, oh most esteemed creator!”

“You’re welcome.”

“Sarcasm, Liam– sarcasm.”

“Well, I need to know.  Will you do this?”  Liam pointed at the script.

“At least take out the part about the penguin.  Please.”

“You aren’t even in that part!”

“One of the reasons it should be sacked.”

Liam rolled his eyes and shook his head.  “Okay, sure.”  He reached across the table and flipped through the script, tearing out on page and crumpling it into a ball before throwing it into a corner.”

Percival raised one eyebrow.  “That’s not sufficient.  You’ve read the Count of Monte Cristo; you know what a paper– crumpled, but not destroyed– caused.”

Liam frowned and sighed.  He walked to the paper and tore it into shreds.  “Happy?”

“Not quite,” said Percival.  “Do you have a lighter?”

“No.  You don’t either; you don’t smoke.”

“I believe I do have… a matchbook,” said Percival, reaching into a pocket of his greatcoat.  He tossed it to Liam.  “Burn it.”

Liam sighed again, but lit a match and dropped it into the pile of paper.  “Now, you is heppy?” he said in a thick accent as the paper disappeared into ashes.

“Heppier,” said Percival in the same accent.  “I don’t know why you take such a long time editing,” he said regularly.  “It seems so easy to me.  Take what you like and burn the rest.”

“Well, it helps when you don’t have to sit in conversations like this,” Liam said, rubbing his forehead.  “I’d rather be writing more of Wise or the Phil Phorce.”

Percival gestured expressively at the script on the table.  “It’s already written.”

“Ha!  No, it’s not.  I’m making most of this up as I go along.  There was no penguin scene until a few minutes ago.”

“You should have left it that way.”

“There was nothing before I started the post except your death scene.”

“But you had ideas,” said Percival.

“Of course.  They came a little bit into this post, including the one about–”  Liam pantomimed a large stomach in the same way Percival had.

“You like him more than me,” complained Percival.

“Contrarily, I like you better.  You have a much larger part in this.  He just sits there and racks up food bills.”

Percival snorted.  “If ever you spoke the truth…”

“But I like that idea that I had.  A good friend gave it to me.”

“But he didn’t give you any about me?”

“She, actually, but no.  She gives me more ideas about Wise than about you.”

“Of course,” said Percival.  “I’m not important outside this room; no, not me.”

“It’s not as bad as all that.  You don’t actually have a running story other than the Phil Phorce, and that’s almost all thought out anyway.”

“I thought you said nothing was thought out,” said Percival sullenly.

Liam gritted his teeth.  “Look, will you do this episode or not?”

“Whatever,” said Percival.  “Though you know it gives me ill pleasure.”

Lights fade as a bucket of water is dropped on Percival from the ceiling.

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  1. Dear Percival, you are a wonderful character (I am sure), but I am slightly attached to Wise, and thus Thoris, unfortunately 🙂 I do have an idea for you, though — you could have Liam put the penguin scene back into the episode (my sister screamed in shock and horror when you made him burn it, becuase penguins are her favorite animals!)

    • My dear Aylin,
      Thoris is fat. He is insipid. He gorges himself on peanuts and doesn’t say a rational word unless at swordpoint. If only you knew what pain it caused me to read that script, all the greater for knowing that in but a few hours, I might be acting a part! If you had heard the conversations… If you had only seen what indignities he made me suffer! He and his medieval Phils… But Liam says I’ve said too much already, and I must stop. But I implore you, get some sense into Liam, if you have to bludgeon him with a cudgel coated in the remains of various electronic devices! At least make Thoris lose some weight, and the peanuts.
      The penguin scene was the equivalent of the mound of hair formed if all the eyebrows Phume claims having lost were gathered into one place. In other words, large, stinky, and only present due to the insistence of its former owner. I am glad it was burned. And Liam claims that he had no idea there was to be any such scene until after he wrote that post! But perhaps he might reinstate the charred remains because of popular demand, and if he can find a use for it. And if I’m part of it.
      Sincerely and imploringly yours,
      Percival Wadsworth St. Clemenshire Barrington Tospockingtonham
      Postscript: Your sister reads Liam’s blog posts? Neither he nor I were aware of that.

      • Seana J. Vixen

         /  April 18, 2012

        Hello, Percival! I was reading your comment and I’ve never heard your entire name before reading it, and I must say, it’s quite extravagant. I like it.

      • Miss Vixen,
        The Percival family is one of the most influential families on my home island. At least, they were before a large blue foot squashed them. My parents were ardent believers in English suffixes such as “ton” and “ham”, though tons of ham were rare indeed in my home. I’m sure if they were alive now, my parents would thank you.
        Respectfully yours,
        Percival Tospockingtonham
        Postscript: Liam wants me to make clear to you that surnames in the culture I hail from are placed at the beginning of the name. Thus, my family name is Percival. The rest is my given name, though I do go by Percival in most circles. However, it would become difficult in the home if everyone was called “Percival”, so the last name in a person’s name was the most appropriated name.

      • Well, Lizzie (that’s my sister) doesn’t actually read Liam’s posts, she mostly just listens to them, because I like to read them to her. Lizzie also says that she will refuse to listen to them anymore, if you will not have Liam re-insert the penguin part (or, she says a scene with a porcupine or a koala bear instead, would be fine, too). She also states that she will weep uncontrolably for hours… Wait, not for hours – she’s not sure how long now – but I think it probably will be for hours, no matter what she thinks.

        Anyway, Percival, I appeal to your sense of the chivalry of your knighthood, that you will save my poor, dear sister from languishing in a pool of tears.

        Yours truly,
        Aylin 🙂

      • Lizzie, Lizzie! I hope you realize what pain you cause me by your request. I shall have Liam write it out again, full to the seams with penguins. But could you possibly hold your head above water until someone can save you? Perhaps a large stickbug, or a geometrically-shaped, three-legged, speckled wallaby? If you are set on drowning, I suppose I must reinstate the scene. But… the pain!
        Agonizingly yours, yet still my own,

  2. This is Lizzie speaking in her own right. I am very grateful for you kindness in this matter. You see, I have been in love with penguins (porcupines and koala bears) since I was knee-high to a grasshopper! I am forever in you debt for saving me from my otherwise inevitable fate.
    Many thanks,

    • My dearest Elizabeth,
      I crave your indulgence for using what I believe to be your full name. I detest nicknames ending in an E sound.
      Liam has already begun making plans for the reiteration of the scene in question. I am still skeptical about its worth, but with the proper guidance I think Liam could keep from making a complete fool of himself this time.
      Acquiescently yours,
      Percival Tospockingtonham

      • How dare you accuse me of having the name “Elizabeth”?! I threaten to beat you with my mother’s veritable broom, if you do not take that back 😉

      • And that is why I crave your indulgence. May I inquire as to your full name, or is that forbidden?

      • Although few know my name, I will painstakingly indulge your request. *sigh* My name is Elisabeth.

      • My Dearest Elisabeth,
        Thank you. But wouldn’t that mean your nickname would be spelled with a double S instead of a double Z? Just trying to make things plain. I didn’t realize that your name was classified information.
        Apologetically yours,
        Percival Tospockingtonham

      • If I was a boring person, yes I would spell “Lizzie” with two s’s. However, I am not. So I spell it with z’s. That is the conundrum of my name!

      • At the risk of serious offense, I’d say that you’re being boring enough as is. “Lizzie” is too commonly used. If you don’t want to be boring, spell it with two S’s, a Y and a soundless H. “Lhyssie”. That looks cool.

      • I must say, I am seriously offended! One, if I spelled my name “Lhyssie,” no one would know how to pronounce it. Two, that is very strange. Three, I hope you know you just called me normal (‘Normal is boring”), and that is more offensive than saying I should spell my name differently! However I do like your name spelled with a “y.”

      • I took that risk, unfortunately, but I apologize. If feelings could be repaired with a large First Aid kit, I would use it all. As it is, I hope my apology will suffice.
        I realize that I just called you normal, but I have nothing to base a description of “weird” or “abnormal”, as I would usually bestow on those who are regularly found in unusual circumstances or with strange people. All you’ve given me to go on now is the name Lizzie (my opinions of which are clearly stated), and your liking of penguins, koalas and porcupines (which is quite common indeed in adolescent and pre-adolescent females). Thus, you see that my opinion is fairly well justified. Of course, if you have any evidence to the contrary, such as your being over the age of fifty and still liking koalas, I’d be happy to revise my opinion.
        Politely yours,

  3. (Please excuse my sister’s ranting — she is very easily riled) 🙂


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