Yet Another Phil Conference

He aimed…  He drew back his arm…  He threw.  His aim was perfect.

“OW!” Quirk screamed as the pencil entered his ear, eraser first.  He pulled it out and lobbed it back at the thrower.

His aim was terrible.  The pencil speared Feiron through the midriff, emerging on the other side.  The fairy stumbled backward in shock and collapsed, a brown fluid leaking from his stomach.

“I think you killed him, Quirk,” said the original thrower of the pencil.

“I swear, Sebase, I will rip your ears off,” said Quirk angrily.

“Hey, no swearing,” said Sebase.  “It was prohibited by the Head Phil.”

Steve, hearing that something was unallowable, promptly let loose a long string of swear words.

“Perfect example, Steve,” said Sebase.  “That’s the sort of thing I’m talking about.  He said no.”

“Why are you talking about me as if I’m not present?” asked the Head Phil, bending over Feiron with a First Aid kit.  He used tweezers to pull the pencil out, then wrapped Feiron up in so much gauze he looked like a principal’s toilet-papered car.  “And yes, Quirk, I prohibited swearing.  Steve, that goes for you too.”

Steve was about to swear again in response, but Phume clapped a hand over his miniscule mouth.

“Why are we here?” asked the old lady.  She sounded very bored, the Castle Under the Cloud’s library having burned down the day before when Feiron had suggested they all sample the benefits of flaming acupuncture.

“Good question,” said Liam.  “I brought you all here to ooh and aah over the new official notices and business cards I’ve made.  Readers of the blog can look to the right of the main text, under all of the widgets.”

All the Phils promptly turned to their right.

“I meant readers of the blog, not parts of the blog itself,” sighed Liam.  “You Phils can look at the said notices and cards on the table.”  He gestured with his free hand to the pile of colored papers and business cards that had been lying, unnoticed, on the conference table.  His other hand busily traced lines on Feiron’s face to make him look a little more like the little weirdo he was.

Sebase was the first to pick up a notice.  “Oh, how did you know, Liam?  My dearest wish is for my very own halberd.  And you say all I have to do is kill someone?  I’m on it.”

“Not just anyone,” said Liam quickly as Sebase put a knife to Quirk’s throat.  “The Aardvark.  And that’s only part of the Phil Phorce episode.”

“Speaking of which, when will that come out?” asked Phoenix.

“When I’ve finished writing it.  As it is, I’m still working on Wise.”  Sebase gave Phume a high five.  “That could take any amount of time, but I will try to find time for the your mission as well.”

“No hurry,” said Sebase.  “I’d rather see Wise finished than the Phil Phorce.”

“Sorry, but you might be the only one,” said Sam.

“No, I’m not, actually,” said Sebase cheerfully.  “Phume likes Wise better too.”

“Anyway,” said Liam, “I’m running out of time here.  You’ll notice that Percival isn’t here with us because he’s tied up in the past.  Not literally, of course, though that does give me an idea…  Okay, yes he is literally tied up in the past.”

“Goodie!” said Quirk.  “Does he get killed?”

“Well, technically he isn’t living, so in a way, yes.”

“Double goodie!”

Steve launched himself at Quirk, biting at his nose.

The old lady, ignoring the screams, picked up a business card.  “Interesting…” she said slowly.  “Is this supposed to represent the Castle Under the Cloud?”

Liam nodded.

“But it’s upside down,” said Sebase, looking over her shoulder.

“Our Castle is upside down,” said Liam.

“No it isn’t.”

“Yes it is.”

“No it isn’t; the rest of the world is upside down.  We’re right side up.”

Steve launched himself from Quirks face to Sebase’s.

“Thanks, Steve,” said Liam.  “We should make you our official torture officer.”

“Oh, he’d like that,” said Sam.

“I would not like that!” Steve yelled, still gripping Sebase’s upper lip.  “I would love it!  Get it right, you traitorous ping pong ball!”

Sam implied an amiable shrug.

“We’ll get you started on that right away, I think,” said Liam.  “Once we have someone to torture.”

“I’ve already got a few ideas,” said Steve.  He blew into Sebase’s nose, then let go of the lip when the jester sneezed, neatly catapulting him onto the table, barely missing the wet blob that came with him.

“Euch,” said Phoenix, looking at the wet spot on the table.  “Sebase, wipe that off.”

“Your hair is long enough; you do it.”

Phoenix lobbed a fireball at his head.

“Quite a tame meeting,” said Liam to Isaac.

Isaac nodded.  He couldn’t see anything of what was happening.

Liam slapped Feiron’s face a few times to rouse him.

Feiron snorted and woke up.  “Sorry, did I miss anything?”

“Only you dying,” said Liam.

“Oh, yeah, I remember that…  I’m glad I slept through it,” said Feiron, and went back to sleep.

Leave a comment


  1. It’s probably a sign that I’m online too much when I start thinking of the Phils as real people…

    My favorite is Steve! 😛

    • Well, they’re real enough for me. They’re the only people who can get away with all the things I wish I was allowed to say in polite society.

      He hates you too.

      • True… may I borrow them some time when I feel like annoying people?

        Aw, that’s too bad! 😛 Have you explained the Steve Beat to him yet?

      • Well, I’m sure your characters can be plenty annoying. If you can be annoying, your characters can be even more so.

        No, I haven’t. The Steve in question isn’t him, so he’d attempt to engage the real one in a fight to the death. Seeing as how ping pong balls don’t die unless melted down, he’d be assured of victory. And I kind of like Steve the monkey.

  2. Seana J. Vixen

     /  May 22, 2012

    I simply adore the ping pong balls! They’re hysterical with their random comments and defiant attitudes.

    • Thanks! Sam would like you for saying that (he likes everyone, however, so I’m not sure how much of a compliment that actually is), but Steve is attempting to climb through my internet connection to bite your face off.

      • Seana J. Vixen

         /  May 22, 2012

        Well, Steve, I’d like to keep my face, and thank you most kindly if you’d let me keep it for just a smidgen longer. How exactly does a ping pong ball bite someone’s face off? I wasn’t aware that they had teeth…

      • Well, Steve just implies the act of biting someone’s face off. And after all, you don’t need teeth to bite. He says he could give you a nice new face– all clean and scabby– in just a few hours, and he would only charge half price.

      • Seana J. Vixen

         /  May 22, 2012

        Oh how generous of Steve! Although, I like my face just fine, so I’ll have to decline his offer with a heavy heart.

      • His heart is even heavier than his total body weight, which is quite unbelieveable. I only took him for real after he coughed his heart up and let me weigh it. Kinda disgusting, really.

      • Seana J. Vixen

         /  May 22, 2012

        Aye, that does sound a wee bit on the revolting side, but I suppose how else would you believe that ping pong balls even have hearts, let alone that those same hearts weigh more than the ping pong ball itself? I had no idea that ping pong balls were so complex!

      • They’re an understudied race; most who know anything about them are understudies. And I’m rethinking what I said… I don’t think ping pong balls actually have hearts. I’ll make it more complex in a Phil Phorce episode. That’ll be fun.

  3. Charley R

     /  May 23, 2012

    Wow, your Phils make most of my characters look positively sane! LOVE the business cards. Tell Steve I will happily hire him for his services any day! xD

  4. Steve, hearing that something was unallowable, promptly let loose a long string of swear words.

    I love that so much! Steve should really get more pagetime. XD
    The business cards are awesome, by the way, and I can’t believe Ferion died! Hahaha, great job! 😀

    • Oh, but he can’t die. Don’t tell them, but none of the Phils can unless I kill them off in their original stories. And Feiron is still alive and kicking… and in suspended animation (in his story, at least– I haven’t written any for about a month).
      As Chief Torture Officer, Steve should be getting more scenes to himself. Gory ones. I wonder if he could fit up someone’s nose…


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