Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

You know, I have a right to be paranoid.  “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean no one is after you”– never was a truer word spoken.  (Except that one time I hooked myself up to the lie detector and spent twenty minutes trying to find something to say that wouldn’t set it off.  But other than that.)

There are just some people out there who have got it in for me.  I don’t understand it– what have I done to them?  But they just keep coming, trying again and again to put the kibosh on me with…

Oh, it’s too painful to speak, but I just want you to know that if I suddenly vanish from this blog, you shouldn’t grieve for me– just leave the small donation: access to your debit account would work just fine.  But if what’s coming is too much for me, I just want you to know that…

IT’S COMING FOR YOU TOO.

Fifteen of you readers today are going to have some harrowing experiences in the next few days.  Why?  Because this affliction I have… it just won’t leave me alone unless I pass it on.  I’m sorry, fellow bloggers– I really am.

No I’m not.  Misery loves company.

That being said, I’d just like you to know that I am in no way responsible for your demise.  Thank you, and have a perfectly ghastly day.  Because…

IT’S COMING FOR YOU TOO.

When you feel this hovering just behind you, breathing down your neck, you too will know that the end is near.  It has never left a spirit unbroken.  It has never given mercy to a victim.  For…

IT’S COMING FOR YOU TOO.

[No, not that button, Quirk– the other one!  The green one!  I’ll give the cue again.]

For it is…

THE ONE LOVELY BLOG AWARD.

These things just can’t leave me alone, and they won’t leave you alone either.  There is no escape from…

IT’S COMING FOR YOU TOO.

[Quirk!  The green one for the rest of the post!  Got it?]

There is no esca–

THE ONE LOVELY BLOG AWARD.

[After the cue!  After!  I’ll give it again.]

There is no escape from…

THE ONE LOVELY BLOG AWARD.

[Thank you, Quirk.]

Now, I know you’re itching to run as far away as you can before I sic this thing on you, but sit tight for a moment while I list…

THE ONE LOVELY BLOG AWARD.

[Okay, Quirk, I was wrong.  Now we need the pink button.  I’ll give the cue again.]

…While I list…

THE RULES.

Here they are:
1. You have to thank the person who nominated you on their blog to receive your honor.
2. You have to tell 7 things about yourself and human canoe counts!
3. You have to nominate 15 blog’s and then tell them of their nomination!

Okay, first of all, I’d like to thank Matty Millard.  He was one of the first true fans of Small Minds, and probably one of the last, after the way I ended it.

[Quirk, I’ll need the yellow button at my cue.]

Now it’s time for…

LET’S ALL WATCH A NEARSIGHTED BUFFALO TO COME OUT AND SING IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE WHILE IRISH DANCING ON TOP OF A KAZOO, CARRYING A LARGE PURPLE–

[Wrong one, Quirk, wrong one!  I meant the red button!  RED!]

THE FACTS.

  1. I wear glasses.  (So many people have asked about this, I thought I ought to tell them straight out.)
  2. It isn’t just on this blog that I prefer monochrome.  Once I went shopping for clothes, wearing grey shorts, a grey T-shirt, and grey shoes, eventually buying two grey polo shirts and a grey button-down shirt.  Yeah.
  3. When reading Dickens I stop and put the book down every five minutes or so, walk around my room once, deep in thought, then realize that the idea I thought I had really wasn’t any good and go back to reading.
  4. I’m looking forward to writing a story where cataclysmic/apocalyptic events occur just prior to the end.  Gooplebury.  I can feel it.
  5. I love the idea of sacrifices in literature.  Not sacrifices to gods necessarily, more like “The only way I can keep the world from ending, though it seems like it already has [see number four], is to throw myself into this volcano!”  That kind of sacrifice always gets me.  Bartimaeus Trilogy all the way.
  6. Every time I write lists of things you supposedly don’t know about me for these awards posts, I always want to end the list one short.
  7. Now is one of those times.

Next come…

LET’S ALL WATCH A NEARSIGHTED BUFFALO TO COME OUT AND SING IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE WHILE IRISH DANCING ON TOP OF A KAZOO, CARRYING A LARGE PURPLE–

[Quirk!  We don’t need that button for this post!  The black one, now!]

Next come…

THE NOMINATIONS.

Fifteen.  Oof.  I’ll do my best.

Sword of Ink

Miriam Joy Writes

The Word Asylum

Lily’s Notes in the Margins

The Totally Insane Writer

Laughing at Live Dragons

Heroic Endeavors

The Love of Words

Kirsten Writes

Comfy Sweaters, Writing and Fish

All I Need Is A Keyboard

Embracing Insanity

The Land of Man-Eating Pixies

Musings from Neville’s Navel

The Leaning Tower of Plot

I know I’ve just nominated a lot of the blogs I usually do, but I hope there are a few new ones there.  Now all I need to do is…

LET’S ALL WATCH A NEARSIGHTED BUFFALO TO COME OUT AND SING IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE WHILE IRISH DANCING ON TOP OF A KAZOO, CARRYING A LARGE PURPLE UMBRELLA SPECKLED WITH TEDDY-BEAR-SHAPED YELLOW SPOTS!

[Yes, thank you, Quirk, please press the blue button now.  And no, do not put up the video of the buffalo.  Just the blue button.]

Now all I need to do is…

NOTIFY THE CONDEMNED!

Now it’s time for me to laugh evilly.  See you all later.

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41 Comments

  1. Why, thank you sir! I love it when I am condemned to being…chased? Eaten? Beheaded? by a blog award. Unless of course, Mrs. Sparkly returns….

    Reply
  2. I will take on this burden with the greatest nobility, I assure you. I accept my fate, and I may even be inclined to be grateful for it. Gratias tibi ago.

    Reply
  3. I’m a little bit frightened, but I’m willing to accept the daunting challenge you’ve placed before me. Anything but, as Gwendolyn said, Mrs. Sparkly.

    Reply
  4. This is a rather humorous post. I’m impressed. I like the cue buttons – I might have to get me some of those, to tell the wee pixies that run my place what to do 😉
    I am not sure I will be able to complete the challenge at present (mainly because I don’t follow 15 blogs except some industry blogs which I can’t give awards to), but that may be a lie and I may end up doing so.

    Reply
    • I’m glad you enjoyed it. I enjoyed writing it.
      You don’t have to do fifteen blogs. That’s always a loose number. I figured that I could since I actually did follow fifteen blogs.

      Reply
  5. Charley R

     /  June 25, 2012

    Hahaha, I love the post! But I will flee the award, thank you – I am more than capable of outrunning it, and far too busy and wound up in my own affairs to take it on, even if I wasn’t fast enough.

    Thank you for thinking of me though – pretty good facts you have there!

    Reply
    • You will not flee the award if you have already accepted it– if you have done so, you have resigned yourself to your doom.

      Reply
      • Charley R

         /  June 25, 2012

        I have not accepted it in any way – in fact, I just threw my spork at it – but i thank you nevertheless for the kind offer 🙂

      • *snaps fingers* Darn. I was looking forward to being responsible for your demise.

      • Charley R

         /  June 26, 2012

        You can’t get rid of true evil that easily 😉

      • Perhaps if I were to nuke you…?

      • Charley R

         /  June 26, 2012

        People have tried that. Just turned me green for a couple of days.

      • Darn… I could bury you.

      • Charley R

         /  June 26, 2012

        That’s been tried too. I just had a doze for a week or two, then dug my way out.

      • I could run you over with a bulldozer after burying you with a backhoe, then finish you off with a quick volcanic eruption in the vicinity.

  6. Quite a good post (and I am honored yet afraid of the doom set upon me), but there is one problem. *sighs* I really wanted to see “A NEARSIGHTED BUFFALO TO COME OUT AND SING IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE WHILE IRISH DANCING ON TOP OF A KAZOO, CARRYING A LARGE PURPLE UMBRELLA SPECKLED WITH TEDDY-BEAR-SHAPED YELLOW SPOTS!” But since there was no video of it, I am most depressed. It was quite funny to hear about Quirk’s non-existent button-pressing skills, though.
    And now I shall have to see if I can even find fifteen blogs I follow that would scream in terror with this nomination, but it is all the more fun to nominate them for it then. But we shall see.

    I still wanted to see that buffalo…

    Reply
    • Quirk will have to show it to you sometime with his epic button-depressing skills. You should have heard the buttons scream, though– “Help, help, I’m being repressed! Now we see the violence inherent in the system! Come see the violence inherent in the system!” They do like their Monty Python.

      Reply
  7. Thanks! But no blog award button thing?! 😦

    Reply
  8. Nice horror story! It took me a little bit to get into it though, because the title was on a slightly more cheerful note.

    Reply
    • Yes, the title was a little bit separate from the actual point of the post, but it was meant to be sarcasm. I suppose the sarcastic way of saying it is lost in written things, isn’t it?

      Reply
  9. Yes, you can’t really carry the facial expression and tone of voice into writing so well, but I did understand that you weren’t being entirely serious…

    Reply
    • That’s the downside of writing directly toward a reader, instead of standing aloof and giving descriptions for each statement.

      Reply
  10. Thank you for the award!
    I would pass it on, but I can’t exactly think of fifteen blogs I follow enough that the authors would know who it is awarding them. 😉

    Reply
    • It would be fine for you to nominate fewer– many people do. I was in the unique position of actually knowing a ton of blogs that I think need awards, yours being one of them. I’d urge you to accept.

      Reply
  11. “LET’S ALL WATCH A NEARSIGHTED BUFFALO TO COME OUT AND SING IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE WHILE IRISH DANCING ON TOP OF A KAZOO, CARRYING A LARGE PURPLE UMBRELLA SPECKLED WITH TEDDY-BEAR-SHAPED YELLOW SPOTS!”

    STOP, Liam. Just STOP. Your blob is going to be the death of me. *holds sides* Oh, dear Lord…

    On a more serious note, it is possible to deny blog awards. I’ve kind of decided to stop doing them, as I want all my content to contribute to my blog {more or less}. I probably come off a little rude when I publish the “I gave you an award” comment but don’t bother to accept the award. Oh, well. But please, don’t *ever* stop posting about them. I need this insanity. 😉

    Reply
  12. I never ever nominated the full number of people who’re you’re supposed to nominate for blog awards. And I think that is one of the most awkward sentences I’ve ever written. Hehe.

    Reply
  1. I’m just…. Lovely. « Comfy Sweaters, Writing and Fish
  2. I Know Not This Award You Speak Of « The Love of Words

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