Phil Phorce: Impossibility is Thinking the Unthinkable

It was only after Quirk tried to build a catapult out of his swivel chair that Liam began to get angry.  He slapped the table.  “Quiet!” he shouted.

Quirk paused in the act of bending his chair arm out of shape.  “Why?”

Liam shook his head and didn’t answer.  The Phils were in the conference room of the Castle Under the Cloud.  A monitor on the table allowed them to see Gologer where he was lying in his large room, and vice versa.  The Phils were overjoyed by the prospect of cushy chairs and were more rowdy than usual.  Sebase was alternately raising his seat and lowering it, making an annoying hiss each time.  Captain Phume was attempting to find a comfortable position, shifting his weight every few seconds.  The old lady was engrossed in a book with her feet on the conference table.  Phoenix was experimenting with the seat leather, wondering if it would burn.  Steve was shouting at Sam, who was complimenting him on the whiteness of his plastic.  Isaac was holding Feiron away from his head, the fairy attempting to pull his blindfold off.  Liam pounded on the table again.

“We are here for a reason,” said Liam when he had a modicum of silence.

“We are?” asked Quirk.  “I thought you just wanted to share the fun with us.”

“Well, that would be a reason for being here as well, but it isn’t the reason.”

“Oh.”  Quirk snatched Sam from the table and put him in the bowl of the catapult, pulling it back and launching the ping pong ball toward the opposite wall.  Sam bounced off the wall into the old lady’s hair, who didn’t notice.  Quirk reached for Steve, who bit his hand and wouldn’t let go.

“If you haven’t noticed, there’s an army outside our door,” said Liam over Quirk’s screaming.  “Right outside.”

“Why are they outside?” asked Phoenix.  “They’re automatic sliding doors.  They should open for them.”

“Why didn’t we think of that when we entered the Castle last month?” Sebase asked Phume.

The Captain shifted again.  “Percival was here.”

“Oh, yes; he couldn’t do anything the easy way.”  Sebase frowned and looked away from the others.  He was obviously still feeling Percival’s disappearance keenly.  By now they all knew that he had tried, but failed to stop Percival from leaving.  No one blamed him for it—least of all Quirk, who had thanked him daily for weeks afterward.

Phoenix put a hand on his arm.  “He isn’t dead, you know.”

“If he wasn’t, he’d be back here by now.”

“Quiet!” Liam shouted.  “As most of you know, our Castle is surrounded by an army as medieval as castles themselves.  Headed by a man calling himself The Aardvark, this army is seeking possession of this Castle, namely the time machine upstairs and certain objects in a vault downstairs.”

“How do you know all this?” asked Isaac, pushing Feiron away and creating a hand-shaped hole in the fairy’s body.

Liam paused.  “They told me.”

“And you listened?” Sebase said incredulously.  “Goodness, you’re gullible.”

Liam frowned at him.  “To defeat the Aardvark, we will have to do the unthinkable.”

Sam spoke from the old lady’s hair.  “Snorkel in molasses taffy?”

“No,” said Liam.  He took a breath, but Sebase spoke before him.

“Stand on our heads for over three days in a row?”

“No.”

“We all commit suicide at the same time, one of us somehow getting in touch with Percival, who’s in the past, to inject our forebears with suicide-stopping fluid, keeping us alive even after the enemy thinks us dead, when we rise up and give that guillotine in the basement some use!”  Quirk took a deep breath, still trying to remove his hand from Steve’s mouth.

“What?!” asked Liam.  “Why would we do that?”

“You said we’d do the unthinkable.  I didn’t think it was that bad of an idea.”  Quirk pried Steve from his finger and launched him from the catapult.  Hitting the wall, the ping pong ball bounced straight back onto Quirk’s face to bite his nose.

Liam spoke again over Quirk’s screaming.  “Your suggestions are… interesting, and thank you for them.  But I have something else in mind.”

“But if it’s the unthinkable, wouldn’t it be impossible to think of it?” asked Feiron, reaching for Isaac’s face.

“Theoretically, yes.  But how much success has impossibility had against the Phils in the past months?” asked Liam.

“Quite a lot,” Phume muttered, shifting again.

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33 Comments

  1. What?! You can’t leave us there!

    I anxiously await the next installment 🙂

    Reply
  2. Charley R

     /  July 1, 2012

    LOL! I love these so much – more soon!
    Also, swivelly level-changing cushy chairs are the best. I concur with your Phils.

    Reply
    • I’m mildly surprised the Jedi Council didn’t go with those. Palpatine went with the swivel, but not the level-changing thing. Perhaps Luke will do better.

      Reply
      • Charley R

         /  July 2, 2012

        He could incorporate both … and throw in a cup holder. Or would that be too much to ask?

      • Exactly! I cannot believe that these warriors of legend never had cup holders. And some seat belts wouldn’t be out of place on a starship.

      • Charley R

         /  July 2, 2012

        Especially to avoid being blasted out of the sky by pursuing enemies. I mean, come on, surely intergalactic organisations have SOME sort of health and safety measures!

      • They had deflector shields but no suspension– of course you need seat belts! Just because you’re inches away from a vast vacuum and death by swift asphyxiation doesn’t mean you can do away with sound safety regulations!

      • Charley R

         /  July 3, 2012

        Of course! I mean, come on Starfleet!

      • Yeah, and with Picard’s noticeable lack of head protection, you’d think he’d be more health-conscious. And if Spock’s ears were to hit anything accidentally, untold damage could ensue.

      • Charley R

         /  July 3, 2012

        Indeed. Never meddle with the untold power of pointy-eared beings. Especially ones with mind powers.

      • Yeah… Have we ascertained whether or not Spock can detach his ears and use them as weapons? That could be a slight difficulty for survival.

      • Charley R

         /  July 3, 2012

        I don’t know if he can … wouldn’t put it past him, though.

      • Yeah… And his hair– is it just me, or is that stuff bulletproof?

      • Charley R

         /  July 4, 2012

        It seems to be everything else-proof.

      • His version of a tin-foil hat, I reckon.

      • Charley R

         /  July 4, 2012

        *nodnod* In the absence of tinfoil, why not indestructible hair?

      • Indeed…

  3. This was fantastic! Now I really want one of those cushy chairs that also function has catapults for myself. (:
    Now excuse me while I pass the time until the next episode by painting a picture of a hyena wearing a tutu and playing the piccolo…

    Reply
  4. Robyn Hoode

     /  March 2, 2013

    Okay. First… How strong is Quirk that he can bend a chair arm?! Aren’t those usaully metal?!
    Sebase lowering and raising his seat– I’m guessing he didn’t get enough up/down fun with gravity vs. centrifugal force? What blindfold is Issac or Feiron wearing?
    Overall, it was good. I first mistakenly thought you were suggesting the suicide instead of Quirk. I am relieved it was the other way around. And yes, that was unthinkable. And bazarre… 🙂
    Steve would like to just eat Quirk, wouldn’t he?

    Reply
    • Plastic. The chair arm is plastic.

      Reply
      • Robyn Hoode

         /  March 2, 2013

        Okay… that works.

      • Robyn Hoode

         /  March 2, 2013

        My other question: What blindfold?

      • Isaac is blind. His eyes are covered by a blindfold.

      • Robyn Hoode

         /  March 2, 2013

        Alright. I knew he was blind, but I don’t think the blindfold was mentioned before now.

      • It wasn’t. Sorry. I never really described any of the characters, though.

      • Robyn Hoode

         /  March 2, 2013

        Well, that’s okay. Leave it mostly up to the imagination of the readers.
        I’m bad at describing appearences. In fact, I can see my charries in my head, but I can never grab hold of them long enough to know what they really look like. Kind of a “yes, I know you are a red head with green eyes, but if I could pick an actor for you…”

      • Most of the time, the appearance isn’t as important as the character’s character itself.

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