Guest Post: Miss Seana J. Vixen

The three-thousandth comment has come and gone.  And with Miss Vixen as the third most commented person in that last set of a thousand comments, is it any surprise that she had the 3001st comment?  (I was the 3000th, so we had to pick the nearest one.  You’ve had too many guest posts from me anyway.)  She was awarded a guest post for being awesome.

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When I heard that I was being asked to do a guest post for Liam at This Page Intentionally Left Blank, I had a moment of silent freaking out….fine. It was semi-silent. Many more people read his blog than mine, so I’d be blogging to a wider audience. Frightening, isn’t it? And there is the opportunity that I might be able to snag some more readers with some subtle hinting (verrrry subtle, mind you…nothing obvious about this…). After the freaking out moment, I had a moment of derp when my brain simply could not think of anything of which to type. So I scoured through the northern region of my brain (where the ideas are the coldest, sharpest and most polar bear-infested), and after 7.3 minutes, voila! There was my idea. Huzzah.

So.

Onward we go.

Don’t run away screaming of boredom quite yet. After you read this post, then you may gladly scream, but I do rather like my hearing and would appreciate keeping it for a few minutes longer. Thank you kindly

We don’t often think of glitter as a weapon.

Most authors don’t think so either.

Take the Inkheart series by Cornelia Funke. I’m sure the tale would have been quite different if Basta and his men had faced off with Mo and co. like this (apologies for their words not sounding quite up to speed with their personalities, and the ideas for being somewhat inaccurate from the plot):

Basta: You’ll never win, Silvertongue. Surrender now.

Mo: Never!

Basta: Then I’ll have to kill your daughter.

Mo: Oh, I don’t think so. EAT GLITTER! *throws glitter at Basta’s face*

Basta: Nooo! Not glitter! My eyes! It burns! *rubs eyes vigorously*

You see, although this may have worked to stall that villain, it doesn’t really seem….all that suspenseful. In fact, it’s rather dull. You probably wouldn’t want to use this tactic to slay a dragon either, mind you.

“Mum, mum!”

“Yes?”

“Guess what!”

“What?”

“I slayed the fire-breathing dragon with lower intestinal problems!”

“Wow! I’m so proud of you! How did you do it?”

“I threw glitter in its bloodshot eyes that were shaped like Texas!”

“That’s great…but what’s Texas?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea, but it sounds cool, doesn’t it?”

It doesn’t sound that heroic, does it? Can you just imagine the headlines? *chuckle chuckle*

But what people don’t know is how utterly repulsive this substance is to me. If you touch just a tiny sprinkle of it with your finger, boom! Mini glitter bombs on your hands that blind you whenever you step into a 12-inch radius of a lighting device. You could probably take the place of a disco ball any day. (I hear they pay well for the occupation.) This sparkling nonsense just refuses to come off, insisting on adhering to the skin like a thousand over-zealous octopuses who’ve decided to chug some lattes.

I guessing you’re probably thinking: Seana, chill. It’s just glitter. It’s not a poisonous substance that is plotting for world domination any minute. We’ll leave that for the inanimate toothpicks.

You are correct, citizens. It is glitter. A deadly, vile, and simply revolting simple thing. How could it do any harm?

It can do plenty of harm. Look what happened to that fire-breathing dragon with lower intestinal problems.

Glitter is a dangerous weapon. Next time you see an innocent kindergartener playing with glitter, remember that.

That is all.

Toodles and oodles of noodles,

❤ Seana

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And that was indeed all.  I do wonder if Miss Vixen’s fixation on glitter is good for her.  Or this post’s ratings.

Just as a footnote, Basta’s line of “It burns!” above– I imagined Gollum when I read it.  “It burns us!  It freezes!  We swears…”  You get the rest.

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Leave a comment

28 Comments

  1. Glitterrrrrr….

    *sees Liam’s Camp progress* *passes out* *revives long enough to high five him*

    Reply
    • It’s amazing how well one can turn that word into an angry growl…

      *bumps fist into her open hand* I’m quite pleased as well. As for the story quality, well… This further proves that I don’t get writer’s block. Not to brag or anything.

      Reply
      • No, no, it was a happy… growl…

        I don’t really get writer’s block either; I just type slowly. Or I write something and realize it makes about as much sense as Ron does.

      • *four fingers* Whatever.

        I type slowly if I’m not completely enthused by the story I’m telling. Which is right now. I’m trying to get into it– probably by giving it a completely different voice.

  2. Charley R

     /  August 10, 2012

    That Inkheart moment . . . i nearly died. Though I get the feeling that Basta would melt under contact with anything sparkly anyway. Oh, the giggles . . someone stop me, please!

    Fab post! Very entertaining.

    Reply

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