How to Give Writing Tips

Someday, you’ll be famous for your writing.  Right now you might be reading this to procrastinate, after which you’ll look at your Word Document and go back to the internet.  But don’t worry– you’ll still be famous eventually.  When you’re famous, everyone will want to know how you got that famous.  You can’t just say, “I wrote” and walk away.  You can’t tell the truth (that it was an accident).  You’ve got to have something prepared, something awesome to tell your waiting fans.  While you aren’t writing, you might as well think something up.

“Believe in yourself.”  You must rephrase this at least five times through your ten tips.  This cuts your workload in half, with a little help from the thesaurus.  “Believe in yourself.”  “Don’t give up.”  “You only fail if you quit.”  “Dream big.”  “The ducks that will eat you if you quit ARE REAL!”  Be creative and reiterate.

“The internet is not your friend.”  In the paragraph under this, explain what makes internet okay; research for important projects, looking for kitten videos as “inspiration”, and reading blog posts like mine.  But make it clear, ambiguously, that the internet is evil.

“Grammar is good.”  Don’t specify whether good grammar or bad grammar is good, but just say that grammar is good.  Perhaps just the word is good– with seven letters, three pairs of repeats, it’s got to be good.  Grammar is good.  Leave it at that.

“‘Whoopsie’ is unacceptable as an exclamation, except in dire circumstances.”  You can’t stress this one enough.  Or you can pick something else and be unable to stress that one enough, but there must be one thing on this list that you can’t stress enough.  Say that you can’t stress it enough.  Then act like you can’t stress it enough.  I can’t stress this enough.

“Read.”  What’s a writer who isn’t writing for, anyway?  Promoting his own books.  So point them toward your books and say that a good writer must read a lot.

If you need more tips, just fill the remaining spots with nonsense.  You’re a successful author– what you say doesn’t need to make sense!  Just like with any of your works, the readers will ascribe meaning to your words.  “Slopvigtrictbor” becomes “The second clause to the right needs rearrangement.”  “Eat your green beans” becomes “Watch your adjectives.”  Nonsense becomes profound, and you’re ready to recite your list to another fan.

Advertisements
Leave a comment

26 Comments

  1. This post has amused me so much. I’m not yet famous, well, not THAT famous, but already I get asked for this silly thing called writing advice. Oh how confused the people would be if I described my actual creative process to them. They’d run away and never read me again. From now on, I am going to structure my ‘advice’ around this post.

    Reply
    • I hope you don’t, actually, because this post isn’t meant to be serious at all. This is just a parody on all the writing tips I’ve ever heard.

      I’m glad you enjoyed it, though.

      Reply
      • This? A parody? What you’ve done is expose the lot of us. I wonder if my ‘advice’ would sound any different from the above if I actually sat down and thought hard before delivering a talk or whatever.

      • No, this is a parody, but it’s a parody good enough to make us think about it.

  2. arena4sass

     /  December 17, 2012

    Great piece to wake up to:)

    Reply
  3. Every How to write post I have ever had the misfortune to read. It’s up there. ^^ There. Up there.
    The true nature of writing is something you do. It can’t be taught.
    Grammar, on the hand, can be taught and it’s almost the same thing.
    I kid. There is much more to writing than grammar. Maybe.
    That being said, have you read Stephen King’s On Writing? Probably one of the best writing books ever, by one of the most screwed up people ever.

    Reply
  4. Brilliant.

    Reply
    • Thank you. Of course, I wouldn’t want any of my favorite authors to read this post, even though most of them seem to have done so already.

      Reply
  5. This is wondrous xD

    Reply
  6. Great parody. I enjoyed it. It’s very true; a lot of writing advice out there isn’t helpful at all. Some pieces of it are good, but honestly, the only way I’ve learned to write was by doing it. It happened by accident, like you said, and even then, I *still* don’t really understand at all how I do it.

    Reply
  7. This was very amusing! Now I’m considering writing a fake set of writing tips that follows it.

    Reply
  8. This amuses me. Especially the “I can’t stress this enough” part.

    Reply
  1. In Which Stranezza Simultaneously Gets Inspired and Really Dark | Scenes de la Vie de Stranezza

Comment! I'll reply.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: