A Diversion! (TCWT)

The prompt for the Teens Can Write, Too! blog chain this month is: “Write a letter to an antagonist.”

Some people might find this easy and pick an antagonist in a matter of minutes.  Not me– I spent half a month trying to think of a suitable antagonist.  Not just any will do, of course– it has to be a special one.  Special antagonists, however, are very hard to find.  In fact, I realized as I was thinking of this prompt, that I don’t enjoy antagonists half as much as protagonists.  The more interesting they are, the more they contribute to the fame of the protagonist.

After a very long time, I finally settled on writing to Sauron, an old friend.  Figuratively speaking.  However, one does not simply write to the Dark Lord.  Normal mail wouldn’t work.  The mailman, Nazgul Five, is notorious for losing things– maps, expensive Morgul blades, his mind; you name it, he’ll lose it.  (Not to mention the fact that he’s pink.  They conveniently left that out of the movies.)  Normal mail was out of the question.  Thus, I had to settle on a more complicated and slightly outdated means of communication: telegraph through the palantiri.  Pardon its slight awkwardness.

* * *

To Sauron Dark Lord of Mordor Great Eye Necromancer of Dol Guldur Lord of the Rings Former Lieutenant of Morgoth STOP.

Greetings STOP.  I am glad I caught you before Frodo destroyed you STOP.  Perhaps I should not have said that STOP.

Sometimes we get to see the villains we are required to hate STOP.  Sometimes we see why exactly we should hate them STOP.  The Marlfoxes poison each other STOP.  Darth Vader kills old men and blows up planets STOP.  The White Witch turns brother against brother STOP.  In comparison you are the physical embodiment of why it is impolite to stare STOP.  You sit in your tower flaming away like a beacon of Minas Tirith STOP.  Sure you send out your armies to ravage Middle Earth and generally be evil but that does not make you evil too STOP.  Gandalf tells us you are evil and that is that STOP.  Perhaps you just overreacted over losing your Ring down the drain STOP.  On another note it sure was nice your nine buddies helped you look for it STOP.

There was enormous potential for a big turn-around if you had just captured Frodo and had a nice chat with him STOP.  Tell him the truth STOP.  Tell him that you are just a nice big flaming eye in the middle of nowhere and no one should be afraid of you STOP.  Tell him that it was not your fault that your armies do not have a regular bathing schedule STOP.  Tell him that the color of Nazgul Five was not your fault either STOP.  I am sure he would understand if you explained STOP.  Or perhaps you should try a psychologist STOP.  Though I am not sure whether they are prepared to help giant flaming eyes STOP.  Their couches may not be large enough STOP.

It truly is a testament to the trustworthiness of Gandalf however STOP.  He said you were evil and everyone believed it STOP.  I realize you do not think much of trusting Gandalf but many do trust him STOP.  Frodo trusted him and look where that got him STOP.  More importantly look where it got you STOP.  Your fate held in the rather small hands of a furry-footed midget STOP.

Well my palantir is asking for two more quarters to continue the transmission STOP.  I think I had better let you get back to destroying the world of men STOP.  Thank you for your time STOP.  I shall stop STOP.

Oops STOP.  I think I distracted you to your doom STOP.  Sorry about that STOP.  I got dibs on your jewelry making kit STOP.

* * *

I apologize for how clumsy that whole thing was.  It’s difficult to write without punctuation, but it was necessary.  (You all realize that when Legolas said, “A diversion!” he was really talking about this.)

That’s it for my TCWT post!  Read all the rest of the chain’s posts:

March 5th – http://letsgetwriteral.blogspot.com   

March 6th – http://themysteriousscribblingbook.wordpress.com/

March 7th – http://miriamjoywrites.wordpress.com/

March 8th – http://charlieeatmybook.blogspot.co.uk/

March 9th – http://kkazulwolf.wordpress.com/

March 10th – http://missalexandrinabrant.wordpress.com/

March 11th – http://fida-islaih.blogspot.com/

March 12th – http://sarahhudsonscribbles.blogspot.ca

March 13th – http://musingsfromnevillesnavel.wordpress.com/

March 14th – http://aprilmayjay.blogspot.com/

March 15th – http://thelittleenginethatcouldnt.wordpress.com/

March 16th – http://oliviasopinions.wordpress.com/

March 17th – http://theloonyteenwriter.wordpress.com/

March 18th – https://insideliamsbrain.wordpress.com/

March 19th – http://paulinaczarnecki.wordpress.com/

March 20th – http://notebooksisters.blogspot.com/

March 21st – http://theteenagewriter.wordpress.com/

March 22nd – http://myswordandpen.wordpress.com/

March 23rd – http://mirrormadeofwords.com/

March 24th – http://eatwritedie.blogspot.com/

March 25th – http://realityisimaginary.blogspot.com/

March 26th –http://incessantdroningofaboredwriter.wordpress.com/

March 27th – http://insatiablebeforedeath.wordpress.com/

March 28th http://teenscanwritetoo.wordpress.com/ (We’ll announce the topic for next month’s chain) 

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79 thoughts on “A Diversion! (TCWT)

  1. Out of a bunch of cool villains in LotR, you chose a giant immobile eye?! Tsk, tsk.

    No seriously, this was great. Especially the part about the couches being too small for Sauron.

    Whose palantir did you use?

    1. Funny thing about that– Gandalf didn’t take it with him as he was riding around Minas Tirith directing traffic. During the battle of Pelennor Fields I snuck into his chambers (using a key I had lifted from Beregond’s belt) and made the transmission. Of course, I could have also asked for Denethor’s, though.

      1. Not necessarily as king, per se, but just… sitting on the throne, wielding the royal palantir… And I may or may not give up the throne when Arry comes back.

      2. And your son will get sick and you’ll try a funeral pyre for both of you, and then next thing we know, I’ll be running after you with the fire-extinguisher!

      3. Well, there may be hope for you yet. I don’t recall Denethor awknowledging any insanity. Still, just to be safe… *holds up extinguisher*

      4. Yes, but it would be funny to see you run blindly of of a cliff like a posessed trick-or-treater (sheet with two holes = ghost).

  2. Okay, THAT was cool. A telegraph!

    I haven’t the slightest clue who this guy is, but I think that was an awesome letter/telegraph/whatever.

      1. Nope, never heard of him. Never read LOTR–and don’t come jump on me or anything! I’m just not a science fiction or fantasy fan (although I do read fantasy sometimes, I never read sci-fi).

  3. Lovely! Humorous! Hilarious! I love The Lord of the Rings!
    Oddly enough, Liam, I don’t imagine you making jewelry. Is this a new hobby? Celebrimbor makes some nice pieces. *fingers Nenya*
    A furry-footed midget? That’s a bit heartless.
    Telling Sauron that he that he was just dealing with his misfortune in a negative way? I had not expected this at all! This was brilliance! I had not expected this kind of letter at all. Very nice.

  4. I was reading this letter out loud and sort of mumbling it to myself, and whenever I saw the “STOP”s in your letter I would holler, “STOP!”, causing my dog to waddle over and give me the look .

    Nice choice in villains, by the way.

  5. Loved this: “Perhaps you just overreacted over losing your Ring down the drain STOP.” ER, YEAH. This was a really cool letter! A bit different from the others too! I had trouble deciding on a villain…but for me it was because there were too many good ones. 😉

  6. Ehehehe, well said! I feel those of us who’ve read the Silm. have a bit of a better understanding of Mordor’s mechanics, as we see its precedent from Morgoth, but you are right. Sauron’s just there. And evil because he just is, and we’re told so, and we believe it. To be honest I probably dislike Denethor, Shelob and the other minor antagonists more than him, because they give us actual reason to hate them. Sauron just . . . sits there. And looks creepy. To be fair, in the disembodied and much reduced state he’s in, he can’t do much but . . . yeah. He could at least have shot fireballs or something.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and get some more dead ferrets for Ungoliant. She’s got another brood on the way, and she’s threatened to viciously masticate everyone within a nintety mile radius unless she’s placated. Gothmog won’t do it because of what she did to his left foot last time he delivered her ferrets . . .

    1. In the Silmarillion, we hate Sauron because he followed Morgoth, who was obviously wrong. I think it’s obvious that I wrote this toward Trilogy fans, though, not necessarily Middle Earth junior historians.

      By all means, feed your giant spiders! I’m stuck with Nazgul Five.

      1. Ah, I see. Probably a wise decision, heh heh.

        She is not “my spider”. Morgoth just wants me to look after her, because he’s a bit busy. What with being stuck beyond the Doors of Night and all right now.

      2. Indeed. Good thing I have a very good washing machine. She doesn’t mean it – she’s just yet to grasp the concept of the spider litter box.

      3. Yeah. Feanor made it for me – specially designed to host gigantic evil arachnids. I threatened to dye his hair purple in his sleep if he didn’t.

      4. I shall! Wonder if I can get Gothmog to do some good aerial shots. Tried to get Glaurung to do that, but he just ate the camera.

      5. He was in the Annatar shape at the time. I’ve never seen him look so . . . silly. He squeaks when he laughs, you know. A lot.

      6. Err . . . not really. He just screams a lot, and tells Morgoth on you. THEN things get hairy if you don’t run away fast enough.

        I shall endeavour to get you a video sometime.

  7. I started following your blog a wee while back, let me say, I haven’t regretted it one bit. I love your clever posts and your advice on characters is suprisingly helpful.

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