Tips on How to Name Your Cat

Let’s say you’re part of a small family that wants a pet, something condescending and aloof that destroys furniture with the air of doing you a favor. The thought strikes you: Hey, a cat would be great! You go out to your local pet store or adoption thingimajig place and order a cat. You bring him or her home and you realize that it doesn’t have a name! What should you do? Well, my friends, just follow the tips below and you’ll have a name even before you decide that you actually didn’t want a cat in the first place!

  1. Name it after some other, bigger and more powerful, feline, like a tiger. This especially works if your cat has stripes, but doesn’t have anything else in common with its namesake.
  2. If that doesn’t work, name it something soft-sounding, something that’s at odds with it’s actual character, like Bubbles or Cuddly, or Fluffy. Chances are that you’ll eventually want to add a “Mister” to the beginning to make the animal seem cuter than you’ve found it to be.
  3. If you don’t like those names, try naming it after your grandfather or something. Thus you might have a Bob in the family again, or a Sedgewick.
  4. Try naming the feline after its favorite place, or better yet, make it a duke or something! Lord of the Litter Box… That has a nice ring to it. Duke of the Dusty Cupboard. Earl of the Trash Can.
  5. You can also name your pet after the things it’s destroyed. Living Room Chair, perhaps.
  6. Try giving it a descriptive name, something like “Streak”, in honor of the way it runs around your house all day wearing nothing. Or “Stupidity Incarnate”.
  7. Try what it eats most, like “Kitty Chow”. Or Mac’n’cheese! Or just Mac. All of these are good.
  8. If you get too angry with it, just call it by your favorite swear word.
  9. Compound words are good, like Bluntclaw, or Greeneye. Just stay away from meshing words that are too long, like “Malodorous-snout”.

Good luck naming your furry little furniture destroyer!


53 thoughts on “Tips on How to Name Your Cat

  1. When I get a cat, I will follow these instructions … and hope I end up with something awesome like Burbage, High King of the Sunny Windowsill, Fuzzy-Face, Chair-Mangler xD

      1. Heehee, that’s me, the rediscoverer of things most people forget and bury xD

      2. Indeed. I’ve fought off half-a-hundred undead gerbils and murderous posessed heart-staked Furbies in my tim!

      3. “In your tim…” You have someone named Tim who you have adventures inside? What a novel that would make… Journey to Tim’s Gall Bladder, perhaps… The Hermit of Tim’s Belly Button.

      4. TIME! …. but that sounds like a hilariously good sort of kids’ biology textbook xD

      5. However, if you learnt to lie proficiently, you could be as high-powered in World Domination Inc as I am 😉

      6. O rly? Then what if I’m telling the truth that the perilously rickety bridge you’re about to walk over will collapse on you? If you think I’m lying, you’ll cross it and die!

      7. No, I won’t; I’ll just push you on ahead of me. If it collapses, no great loss; only you died. If not, both of us live. Thus, the incentive is for you to tell the truth by lying.

      8. But what if I was on the other side of the bridge, giving you the advice, and there was no one else you could shunt out in front of you? What then?

      9. One word: slow-acting poison to which only I have the antidote. Shoot it over in a tranquilizer dart, if you run it spreads further through your system, and only I have the antidote. I get across the bridge safely and you live. If not, too bad for both of us.

      10. Dammit … but if the bridge is broken, how will you get the antidote to me?

      11. But … but … if I lie backwards, and effectively tell the truth …. does that count? xD

      12. You merciless creature…

        Also, finished my guest post … how shall I get it to you? Pigeon? Raven post? Directionally-challenged Nazgul?

      13. I know. But it’s all in the name of self-preservation, so can you really blame me?
        What’s with you and flying delivery boys? NaNoMail is good.

      14. Dokie doke. Sorry, the raven is grumpy becaus I’ve been using the pigeon, mostly. The Nazgul is for when I want to scare people 😉

      15. Yes, some people just need scaring. A shipment of plush teddy bears is just made so much interesting when delivered by a hooded invisible man in armor, flying on a large dragonlike thing.

      16. Yup. Especially when it’s not teddy bears … it’s Furbies in disguise *evil laughter*

      17. *joins in, then chokes* I think we’ve been over this before…
        Anyway, thank you for the guest post. I entitled it “Lights! Camera! Actually…” I tried to do one in the style of your own titles, but you can’t recreate something like “Brain! Soul! Pancreas!” You’re brilliant.

      18. Haha, I love that title! And thank you for the compliment – I do like my titles to be fun *grins*

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