Unicorns just aren’t as common as they used to be. In medieval times, while Rapunzel was searching Google for hair salons near here and coming up empty, unicorns were the centers of great sport. But nowadays, you can’t just blow a horn, kick your horse, and “Halloo” in triumph as you stab a unicorn; unicorns are few and far between. Fortunately we have in our ranks a man from that very time period who has been on unicorn hunts many times: Prince Isaac Phael. With his help we have put together a list of things you can do to lure your own living trophy and possible magically-healing artifact.
What to bring: a fair maiden, strong ropes, a camera (optional), a unicorn horn (optional), and something to carry the unicorn with.
- Make a big deal out of it. Go out and hunt with a retinue like the kings of olde did. You see, unicorns love attention. They’ll run away from you for hours, but they’ll never hide. If you can recognize this, you can use it to your advantage. Make a lot of noise, proclaim loudly how hard to kill unicorns are, and then get your horse or bicycle ready to go. Fast.
- Unicorns like woods, so hunt them in the woods. Whatever you do, don’t try and chase them into an open field, because most likely a beautiful maiden (probably not the one you brought with you) will try to stop you from killing the thing. Silly things, beautiful maidens…
- Get its cousin, the narwhal. Narwhals are the distant cousins of unicorns, as is obvious by the horn. In fact, the goal of whaling ships like the Pequod was to catch a narwhal. Unfortunately, the mystery and glory of catching a narwhal was eclipsed by the potential profit that more common whales offer.
- When you kill the narwhal, cut off the horn and take it with you on your next unicorn hunt. Because of the healing powers unicorn horns have, unicorns defend their brother’s horns so that when they impale you, growing tired of the chase, you can’t heal yourself. Unicorns are vicious things.
- If at all possible, bring along another unicorn horn. As before stated, this will both draw the unicorn closer and safeguard you from any injury, so long as it isn’t mortal and effective immediately.
- Get your maid to stay somewhere. Know where that somewhere is, then chase the unicorn toward that place. It’s a well known fact that when a unicorn sees a maiden just sitting there, it’ll go to sleep right next to her. That is why you have the maiden.
- Now that the unicorn is asleep, tie it up. For safe measure you might want to tie up the maiden at the same time, because you know girls; they love their unicorns. The safest way to bind the unicorn would be to cut off its horn first, because unicorn horns are wickedly sharp. Unfortunately, this lowers its overall value and causes skeptics to say “Just what I thought! It’s a fake!” Yes, they might be wrong, but how do you prove it? The horn is off. So decide for yourself whether you want a regular white horse that can’t escape or a dazzling unicorn that will probably kill you just after it cuts itself free.
- Another way to keep it bound is to keep it asleep, so bonk it on the head every once in a while and don’t carry smelling salts.
- Now carry it home. The means of getting it there vary from person to person. Most medieval princes and kings liked to kill the thing first and carry it home upside-down on a spear. In these modern times, most unicorn hunters use an armored van.
- Bring a camera and document your progress on the hunt. Show a slide show to your friends later. “This was me riding after the unicorn. This was me next to the unicorn. This was me almost getting killed by the unicorn. This was me riding into a tree. This was me in the hospital getting stitches. This was me in the– Bob, did you take that picture?”
If you use these tips, you might succeed. Then again, you might die an agonizingly painful death. But what’s the fun if there isn’t a little danger? That was rhetorical. We cannot be held accountable for any injuries, maiming, death, disfigurement or embarrassing occurrences that may come about in pursuit of the unicorn. Good luck!