Tips on Catching a Gnome

You see them everywhere: a little man clad in a blue tunic with a ridiculous red hat on his head, heavily in need of a shave. As you catch sight of it, the chilling word flits through your head: gnome! They seem to follow you about, hiding under leaves when you look around, but you know they’re there. What can you do when confronted with one of these knee-high terrors? How can you capture one of these pranksters for a speedy execution? The following tips have been compiled through the experiences of many different victims of gnome pranks for your safety in capturing… a gnome.

  1. Some have said that gnomes become bad-tempered if you steal their fishing rods, but most gnomes don’t carry fishing rods, and many more don’t even have them! So instead of stealing their rods, try another trick: steal their hats. Now, most gnomes are made of something quite hard and resilient to cap-filching endeavors, so you might need to bring along a saw or perhaps a hammer. If you dent the little guy’s head while taking off his cap, why do you care? It’s just one step closer to his inevitable fate. Of course, there is the little problem of keeping the little guy unaware of your thievery. There are more than one ways you might go about this tricky business, the most sure way being this: kill them first. Dead people tell no tales, and can’t stop you from stealing their hats. Unfortunately, killing gnomes slightly defeats the purpose of taking their hats, so the second best way to get them unwary of hat-burglary is to give them sleeping pills. Sedate them heavily. Some have said that brain damage results in overdoses of sedatives, but when you’ve got a rock for a brain, will they really care? Try this, and if it fails, just go for the age-old method of sneaking up behind them and whacking them over the head.
  2. The next best thing to do is to steal their shoes. While they’re looking for their hats, pinch their shoes! It’s absolutely perfect! If you were trying to find your hat in a garden full of plants and that sort of stuff, and you were barefoot while walking amongst all those spikes, wouldn’t you be uncomfortable? Of course you would, no doubt about it.
  3. Now that the articles of clothing are removed from both their ends, your gnome will probably sit down in the shade. His feet will hurt and he won’t want to get sunburned, so he’ll go into the shade of a flowering petunia and rest for a spell. Now, if you’ve got a trap right where he was planning to sit, and he goes and does something stupid, like sitting there, the trap will have him!
  4. Now there’s only the small matter of keeping the thing behind bars until the proper authorities can arrange the execution. You can 1) sedate him again, 2) whack him on the head again, or 3) give him to your dog for torturing. It’s just what the little fiend deserves, right?

Now you’ve got your gnome captured, in four easy steps. With a little bit of prodding he might repent and you can spare him so he’ll pass on the message to his buddies. Within weeks your garden will be free of the creatures and their hideous little smirks. But be careful; garden gnomes sometimes carry weapons, and can be very dangerous indeed. If you get killed, call us and we’ll reimburse you, providing you put us in your final will and testament as the heir to all your possessions. Have fun gnome-catching!

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5 Comments

  1. *gasps* What exactly do you have against gnomes, Liam? It’s only the Siberian gnomes* that are bad…
    *See Gnomes by Wil Huygen and Rien Poortvliet. The basic book for any gnome-lover. 😉

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