Liam, the critically acclaimed expert on dragons, has compiled and edited the experiences of his correspondent, Percival Wadsworth St. Clemenshire Barrington Tospockingtonham, who has had many dragon encounters in the past two months.
We realize how hard it is these days to spot a dragon– in ye olde medievale dayse, wheree everythinge youe saide hade ane extrae ‘e’e, you could just go out dressed up in something shiny and lo! the evil beast cometh! When should I start running? But now… Well, it just isn’t that easy anymore. So saying, we have gathered information from Percival’s many encounters of the dragon kind and have now made a list of things even YOU can do to attract your own little pet destructive killer.
- Go out into the open. Many dragons don’t like landing where they can’t take off again, so it might be in your best interests to find a place where it can safely (for it and you) ascend back into the heavens. If you’ve never seen an angry dragon stuck between two large concrete office buildings, you don’t know the meaning of the word ‘scared’. (Though if you’ve looked it up in the dictionary, maybe you do.)
- Make sure that open space is free of people. Many dragons, despite their size, are shy. This is where the expression “Shy as a dragon” comes from. You’ve never heard of it? What an uncultured swine you are! (No offense, pigs.) Yes, just like any small human child (except those that aren’t shy whatsoever), dragons are incredibly afraid of meeting new people, though not if you’re trying to kill them. That is a sure way to help them overcome their shyness. It’s a well-known fact to less well-known people that a dragon that’s killed someone before won’t be afraid to approach some other stranger and visit the same fate on them. You’ll die in flames, of course, but that’s a small price to pay in order to help a dragon be bolder in the future.
- Look as though you haven’t come to meet a dragon at all, but are just out for a stroll looking at nothing in particular. (It helps to have a trap set up for you where you might lose your life. Just one of those helpful hints.) Wander around, looking at flowers and patting small woodland animals on their small woodland heads. (Stay away from wild gophers, though. Those little brutes are vicious.)
- When you least expect it, expect it. Some dragons are conniving little things and will find you just after you have been searching for a dragon too obviously. So maybe you should disregard the third rule and be as obvious as you can, so the dragons will find you afterward.
- Whatever you do, do not watch the skies for dragons. They will see you and creep up behind you. Then, of course, the most natural course of action for you when they tap you gently on the shoulder is to scream very loudly. In their language, this means “Please eat me right now because I’m tired of life and you are INCREDIBLY UGLY!!!” Naturally, a dragon wouldn’t care how tired you are of life, but they would eat you because you insulted their vanity. No one can deny that dragons are beautiful creatures, but they wouldn’t give you time to argue that in your defense. For some people, however, the scream might mean an entirely different thing, such as “Oh @%$#*!” This phrase is not a guaranteed translation, nor an exact one, but still be careful.
- It would be rare for you to be able to understand the dragon when it talks, but if you are one of those special people who can, please contact us.
Now you are ready to try to meet a dragon, though you might not be ready to actually meet it. You can try, though. We wish you good luck, and will claim no responsibility for all injuries, deaths or other unfortunate occurrences which may befall your person. Please make this perfectly clear to your lawyers. Once again, very good luck to you!