Tips on Failing

I have realized that the real world has no practical guide to failing. For this reason, I have compiled a list of ways to fail miserably, epically or in any other way you choose, based on my own experiences.

Tip one: Drop it. If at all possible, drop whatever you’re carrying. No one can fail worse at, say, getting someone a vase for flowers if they drop the vase and break it. If whatever it is doesn’t break, spill, dent, scratch, or otherwise damage itself in the fall, make sure you finish the job. This works for failing at carrying things.

Tip two: Spill it. If you can’t drop something, make sure you spill it. You can’t fail better than that. If you can drop it and spill it, even better. But if you can’t possibly drop it, then spill it.

Tip three: Fall. You can trip, you can fall, you can spring back up, but if you fell into something, were carrying something, or fell off of something that then fell as well into an expensive car, well, then, you’ve failed in spectacular fashion. Imagine that you’re standing on a ladder, painting the ceiling, and you suddenly, seemingly inexplicably lose your balance, falling from the heights and tipping the ladder in the other direction. The ladder falls and crashes into a brand new, expensive sailboat. What have you done here? You’ve failed. *Thumbs up*

Tip four: Press buttons. If you’re in a high speed train and you see a button labeled “Emergency brake”, what do you do? Press it! This is a ready-made, surefire way to fail.

Tip five: Miss it. When does failing come up the most often? In sports! So, when you’re lining up for the penalty shot for the win in soccer/football/futbol, whatever you want to call it, what should you do? You miss the ball! Or better yet, just tap it with your toe as your foot flies by. When you’re running down the field, watching the football sail through the air, extending your arms to catch it, what should you do? Just barely brush it with your fingertips. Or, better yet, make a spectacular catch, then employ the first of these tips. Your team will hate you forever. But you failed, and that’s all that matters.

Tip six: Go the wrong way. In a race of any kind, just run, sail, ride, drive, or whatever in the other direction. Or, better yet, just use the wrong vehicle! In a bike race, show up on roller blades! (Gasp!) And then go the wrong way! (Gasp, gasp!)

Tip seven: Do it at the wrong time. Willy Shakespeare once said something like “Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.” Well, I say, it’s better to do it either way! If you need to be at a meeting on time, be late. If you need to do something at a specific time and not a moment before, it’s probably best to do it early. If you’re cooking something that contains eggs, wouldn’t it be better to take it out early or late than just to conform and get it right? No! Fail epically!

And those are mine, my own, my precious, tips for failing. Use any combination of these for a fail-tacular result! I may add more as I think of them, so stay tuned!

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