Fantasy writers are notoriously hard to find. Fantasy writers, as we all know, like themselves to be secretive and shrouded in mystery, when in reality they’re probably just behind the counter at your local McDonald’s, or dead at the hands of a giant mega-awesome ultra fantasy beast. Thing. So next time you’re searching your phone book for fantasy writers to go mob, just consult these tips.
- Capture a few dragons and set them loose over your town. The only person (besides you) that will be standing out in the open, looking up in awe, will be your fantasy writer. Try not to let your dragons burn anything to the ground or eat anyone, because that has the potential for being extremely messy.
- Hang around McDonald’s restaurants and look for employees that stare off into the middle distance for most of the day instead of watching that burger they’re
burningcooking. That’s the writer. And try to avoid eating the burger, because it won’t be cooked too well.
- Drive around the city/town/hermitage you live in after dark, and look for lights in windows that are still on. The best time for this is about two o’clock in the morning, when everyone will be asleep except your writer.
- Look for anyone around your neighborhood who doesn’t seem to care what they’re wearing, or better yet, is wearing clothes covered in dragons. It’s possible that the person is just someone who likes looking strange, but chances are good that it’ll be the writer.
- Look for anyone who looks behind them repeatedly during the day, as if someone is following them. It might just be someone paranoid, but it’s quite likely that he’s a fantasy writer. If you find someone like this, tail him wearing a large dragon costume, or just large pointy ears and a longbow. That fantasy writer will be your friend before the week is out.
- Look for people who contemplate things like, say, ping pong balls as possible intelligent life forms, and people who name inanimate objects.
- Search bookstores for people who seem to stay in the same place, day after day, but never buy anything. Chances are the person is a fantasy writer trying to see if his book is popular, and in doing so frightening everyone away.
Follow these tips and you’ll be finding fantasy writers all over the place. Unfortunately, this search also picks up on fantasy readers, but they’re pretty close to what you want. Have fun!