Tips on Spotting and Escaping Enchanted Forests

Though enchanted forests don’t seem so common in this modern age of ours, they are still present in frightening quantities.  Think of it: you’re walking through the forest, admiring the trees, especially that one with the elephant-shaped branch, and then you realize: “I’ve seen that tree before!  Three times, in fact!  I even have five pictures of it on my camera!”  What just happened, you wonder?  The answer is simple: you’re in an enchanted forest.  Pretty soon you find that you’re going in circles, and unless you’re a mill horse, it probably won’t help anyone.  Getting lost and walking in circles is an inexplicable event if you aren’t aware of the enchanted forest you’re in, or of the rope that has you tied to a tree.  For this reason, we’ve come up with a practical guide to becoming aware of and escaping enchanted forests, or that rope.

  1. Check and see if you’ve got a strange belt around your middle, and then see if it’s tied to a tree nearby.  If so, cut the rope and you can get out of that never-ending circle.  Now just walk out.
  2. If you find that you aren’t tied to a tree but are still walking around in circles, check the trees around you for ravens and crows with red eyes.  These are frequently found in enchanted forests.
  3. Check for trees that seem to be moving or that have faces.  There are few normal forests that have this type of tree, so if there are many of this type of tree around, you can be certain that you’re stuck in an enchanted forest.  If the trees creep you out too much, just punch one in the nose.  This will have two effects: your knuckles will hurt, and the tree will fall backward from surprise.  Or it might attempt to kill you.  If it does, you’re definitely in an enchanted forest.  Some trees of this kind also speak to you, most often in a whisper or a groan.  If this happens, listen and they might tell you important things.  The trees have been known to speak valuable secrets, like the combination to your locker, so listen carefully and you might learn something.
  4. Now that you’ve figured out that you’re in an enchanted forest, it’s time to get out.  To do this, only turn left.  Now, it might seem as though you’ll be led in circles again, but since the forests try to convince you that you’re turning left when you’re actually turning right, you might find yourself moving in a straight line even after turning left five times in a row.
  5. The other way to get out is to get a creepy, nearly hairless guide, but people who have tried this in the past have experienced extreme stress, loss of digits and property, and really long quests involving powerful rings and big eyes in the middle of nowhere.
  6. The biggest no-no, however, comes once you’re out of the forest.  Don’t go back for anything, because now that the forest recognizes that you’re smarter than it is, it will try to kill you.  You might have to leave your beloved stuffed wallaby behind, but if you think about it, it’s better for everyone.  Except the forest’s pride.

Now that you have the appropriate knowledge, go out and kick that forest’s hypothetical rear end.  Please tell your lawyers before you do this that we are not in any way responsible for deaths, maiming, madness or other unpleasant occurrences pertaining to your person.  Oh, and if you happen to see a stuffed wallaby, pick it up and send it to me.  I liked that thing.  Have fun!


20 thoughts on “Tips on Spotting and Escaping Enchanted Forests

  1. You forgot the music! When in an enchanted forest, always listen for the creepy music. It’s a huge giveaway. Follow the music that sounds light and happy and you’ll get out. It’s the foreboding but strangely enticing tunes one should avoid 😉

    Love this, though. Absolutely hysterical xD

  2. Another thing… under no circumstances are you to leave breadcrumb trails or start eating houses made of candy. If you see a house like that, run in the other direction.
    Liam, don’t you think “extreme stress” is a bit of an understatement for what poor Frodo went through?

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